Fodder Four
Jan. 12th, 2002 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gilascaveThis is not my fault.
"Look, all I'm saying--" Boromir said, in a low tone.
Aragorn interrupted him. "We can't. Don't you think I would have done something before now if I could?"
"But, Sire -- er, Ara..um, Stri-- look, it's *distracting*. I can't even clean my sword properly, without thinking all sorts of...phallic things, with all that going on. It isn't decent!"
Aragorn sighed. They were walking along behind the group, trying not to appear too obvious about their topic of conversation. Aragorn was, at any rate. He didn't want to get into another debate about the health requirements of keeping the juices flowing, and relieving stress in such trying times, yadda yadda. Not after Frodo had suggested that part of his problem was *frustration*.
"Deal with it, Boromir," Aragorn growled. "Everyone else is."
Boromir laughed. "The elf joins in, Gandalf just watches, and Gimli goes off to gather firewood and grumble about how he wants the blondie to boff *him*. That's not dealing."
Aragorn glared at him. Before he could respond, though, he heard the hobbits' voices rise. He sighed. *Now* what?
"I'm telling you, it's a bad idea," Sam was saying to Frodo. Merry and Pippin were looking at Frodo, but not saying anything.
"Oh, come *on*! What's once more gonna hurt?"
The four hobbits had slowed their pace, and the rest of the party was gathering around them. If they were stopping to have sex, again, Aragorn was going to skin somebody.
Maybe Boromir. He was a safe target.
"Mr. Frodo, I really think it's a bad idea," Sam said again. He sounded honestly worried.
"What's going on?" Aragorn asked. The four hobbits looked up at him. He was struck by how perfect a height they all were.... He shook his head, sharply, and focused on Frodo's reply.
"I just want to put it on for a *bit*. I'm worried it'll slip out of my pocket, or something."
"What? The *Ring*?" Aragorn was shocked. "Are you insane?"
"Frodo, we talked about this," Gandalf said sternly.
"But I want to! I can't help it." Even as he spoke, Frodo's hand was creeping towards his pocket. Sam slapped it down.
"Stop that."
"Look, just...don't think about it," Aragorn offered. Lame, he knew, but they were standing out in the middle of a field, and any of the remaining four Ringwraiths could come by, at any moment. Or Saruman might find them, or... well, they needed to keep moving.
"I can't help it," Frodo said, softly. Aragorn was struck by the urge to cuddle the man, and slapped himself mentally. "I can feel it...." Frodo's hand hovered just above the pocket. Sam's hand hovered right above his, waiting to slap him again.
"I've got an idea!" Pippin suddenly cried. He ran over to where Bill stood, and dug through the saddle bags. He pulled out a large round...thing, and brought it over to Frodo. "We'll just tape it to you!"
The other hobbits looked impressed, and agreed it was a fantastic idea.
"You'll what?" Aragorn asked, feeling stupid. Luckily, the other tall people looked like they felt stupid, too.
"We'll ta-- er, bind it to his skin," Pippin explained. Frodo had pulled the Ring out of his pocket and was holding it up. Pippen peeled a layer of cloth off the round thing in his hand, and tore a strip off. Sam and Merry, meanwhile, were --
"What are you doing? We don't have time for that!" Aragorn exclaimed.
They stopped, Frodo's shirt half open, and looked at him. "No, Aragorn, look. They're going to bind the ring to me, see?" Frodo said quickly. He helped his friends pull his shirt open, then all four of the hobbits looked at Frodo's chest.
"Hmm, that's a problem," Merry said, thoughtfully.
Aragorn hesitated to ask. So he didn't.
"No, it isn't," Pippin said happily. "We'll just put it down here." He reached out with his free hand and tugged Frodo's pants open.
"What the bloody fuck are you doing?" Boromir exclaimed.
"See? It's perfect!" Pippin said, and he held up the cloth, and Frodo pressed the ring against it. Somehow, it stuck.
"It's magic?" Boromir asked, amazed.
"The best kind of magic," Sam agreed. "Now, look."
Aragorn hated to look -- they'd pulled Frodo's pants down enough so they could almost see his dangly parts. He did *not* want to know.
"It's a little small for there, isn't it?" Legolas asked.
"Oh, we're not putting it *on* him," Sam explained. "Since Mr. Frodo hasn't any hair on his chest, Pippin's just putting it where he's hairy."
Pippin did so, placing the strip of cloth, with the ring underneath, against Frodo's pubic hair. Pippin pressed the cloth firmly, then stepped away. The cloth, and ring, stayed put.
"I don't get it," Gimli said.
"The next time Frodo gets the urge to put the ring on -- he'll have to tear that off, to get at it." Pippin smiled, proudly.
"Yeah! And I'm not about to rip off my short and curlies, just for an all-powerful evil ring. *Ouch*!"
The hobbits seemed pleased, and congratulated Pippin, as Frodo pulled his pants up. Aragorn was still fairly sure he had no idea what had just happened.
"How did you know to bring that...magic cloth?" Gandalf asked.
"Oh, Merry brought it," Pippin said. "He uses it to bind himself up, when he wears those short skirts for me."
"I wondered why it was flesh coloured," Gandalf said, nodding.
Gimli gave Aragorn a pleading look. Aragorn agreed. "All right, let's move on. We've spent enough time...er, here. Let's go."
They started walking again, and Aragorn heard Sam asking if Frodo could walk all right. Frodo said it wasn't unpleasant, there was just a constant pull.
"Hey, what happens when it's time to chuck the Ring into the volcano?" Frodo suddenly asked.
The hobbits looked at each other. After a moment of silence, Pippin shrugged. "We'll worry about that when we get there. Hey! Maybe we can shave you."
Aragorn hurried forward, so he wouldn't hear any more. He rather expected Boromir to be hurrying along with him, and glanced back. To his horror, he found Boromir looking at the hobbits, thoughtfully.
Fuck, he thought. One more down. Maybe tonight he'd invite the dwarf to play a game of draughts. He glanced back towards Gimli.
Actually, he was rather the right height, as well....
"Look, all I'm saying--" Boromir said, in a low tone.
Aragorn interrupted him. "We can't. Don't you think I would have done something before now if I could?"
"But, Sire -- er, Ara..um, Stri-- look, it's *distracting*. I can't even clean my sword properly, without thinking all sorts of...phallic things, with all that going on. It isn't decent!"
Aragorn sighed. They were walking along behind the group, trying not to appear too obvious about their topic of conversation. Aragorn was, at any rate. He didn't want to get into another debate about the health requirements of keeping the juices flowing, and relieving stress in such trying times, yadda yadda. Not after Frodo had suggested that part of his problem was *frustration*.
"Deal with it, Boromir," Aragorn growled. "Everyone else is."
Boromir laughed. "The elf joins in, Gandalf just watches, and Gimli goes off to gather firewood and grumble about how he wants the blondie to boff *him*. That's not dealing."
Aragorn glared at him. Before he could respond, though, he heard the hobbits' voices rise. He sighed. *Now* what?
"I'm telling you, it's a bad idea," Sam was saying to Frodo. Merry and Pippin were looking at Frodo, but not saying anything.
"Oh, come *on*! What's once more gonna hurt?"
The four hobbits had slowed their pace, and the rest of the party was gathering around them. If they were stopping to have sex, again, Aragorn was going to skin somebody.
Maybe Boromir. He was a safe target.
"Mr. Frodo, I really think it's a bad idea," Sam said again. He sounded honestly worried.
"What's going on?" Aragorn asked. The four hobbits looked up at him. He was struck by how perfect a height they all were.... He shook his head, sharply, and focused on Frodo's reply.
"I just want to put it on for a *bit*. I'm worried it'll slip out of my pocket, or something."
"What? The *Ring*?" Aragorn was shocked. "Are you insane?"
"Frodo, we talked about this," Gandalf said sternly.
"But I want to! I can't help it." Even as he spoke, Frodo's hand was creeping towards his pocket. Sam slapped it down.
"Stop that."
"Look, just...don't think about it," Aragorn offered. Lame, he knew, but they were standing out in the middle of a field, and any of the remaining four Ringwraiths could come by, at any moment. Or Saruman might find them, or... well, they needed to keep moving.
"I can't help it," Frodo said, softly. Aragorn was struck by the urge to cuddle the man, and slapped himself mentally. "I can feel it...." Frodo's hand hovered just above the pocket. Sam's hand hovered right above his, waiting to slap him again.
"I've got an idea!" Pippin suddenly cried. He ran over to where Bill stood, and dug through the saddle bags. He pulled out a large round...thing, and brought it over to Frodo. "We'll just tape it to you!"
The other hobbits looked impressed, and agreed it was a fantastic idea.
"You'll what?" Aragorn asked, feeling stupid. Luckily, the other tall people looked like they felt stupid, too.
"We'll ta-- er, bind it to his skin," Pippin explained. Frodo had pulled the Ring out of his pocket and was holding it up. Pippen peeled a layer of cloth off the round thing in his hand, and tore a strip off. Sam and Merry, meanwhile, were --
"What are you doing? We don't have time for that!" Aragorn exclaimed.
They stopped, Frodo's shirt half open, and looked at him. "No, Aragorn, look. They're going to bind the ring to me, see?" Frodo said quickly. He helped his friends pull his shirt open, then all four of the hobbits looked at Frodo's chest.
"Hmm, that's a problem," Merry said, thoughtfully.
Aragorn hesitated to ask. So he didn't.
"No, it isn't," Pippin said happily. "We'll just put it down here." He reached out with his free hand and tugged Frodo's pants open.
"What the bloody fuck are you doing?" Boromir exclaimed.
"See? It's perfect!" Pippin said, and he held up the cloth, and Frodo pressed the ring against it. Somehow, it stuck.
"It's magic?" Boromir asked, amazed.
"The best kind of magic," Sam agreed. "Now, look."
Aragorn hated to look -- they'd pulled Frodo's pants down enough so they could almost see his dangly parts. He did *not* want to know.
"It's a little small for there, isn't it?" Legolas asked.
"Oh, we're not putting it *on* him," Sam explained. "Since Mr. Frodo hasn't any hair on his chest, Pippin's just putting it where he's hairy."
Pippin did so, placing the strip of cloth, with the ring underneath, against Frodo's pubic hair. Pippin pressed the cloth firmly, then stepped away. The cloth, and ring, stayed put.
"I don't get it," Gimli said.
"The next time Frodo gets the urge to put the ring on -- he'll have to tear that off, to get at it." Pippin smiled, proudly.
"Yeah! And I'm not about to rip off my short and curlies, just for an all-powerful evil ring. *Ouch*!"
The hobbits seemed pleased, and congratulated Pippin, as Frodo pulled his pants up. Aragorn was still fairly sure he had no idea what had just happened.
"How did you know to bring that...magic cloth?" Gandalf asked.
"Oh, Merry brought it," Pippin said. "He uses it to bind himself up, when he wears those short skirts for me."
"I wondered why it was flesh coloured," Gandalf said, nodding.
Gimli gave Aragorn a pleading look. Aragorn agreed. "All right, let's move on. We've spent enough time...er, here. Let's go."
They started walking again, and Aragorn heard Sam asking if Frodo could walk all right. Frodo said it wasn't unpleasant, there was just a constant pull.
"Hey, what happens when it's time to chuck the Ring into the volcano?" Frodo suddenly asked.
The hobbits looked at each other. After a moment of silence, Pippin shrugged. "We'll worry about that when we get there. Hey! Maybe we can shave you."
Aragorn hurried forward, so he wouldn't hear any more. He rather expected Boromir to be hurrying along with him, and glanced back. To his horror, he found Boromir looking at the hobbits, thoughtfully.
Fuck, he thought. One more down. Maybe tonight he'd invite the dwarf to play a game of draughts. He glanced back towards Gimli.
Actually, he was rather the right height, as well....