Rated PG13. Moving on...
Previous parts:
Chapter Four (with links to earlier parts).
Alone in Your Mind
by James
CHAPTER FIVE
Carson moved to the edge of the balcony, and found the railing with one hand to prevent himself from -- as he felt he must certainly do -- falling over the edge.
"I'm here," he said mildly, staring down as Rodney and John both looked up at him. Rodney's face broke into a huge smile; John looked half pleased, half guilty.
"We'll come up," Rodney called out, and Carson shook his head.
"No, I'll be right down." Not that it mattered, he realised, even as he headed for the stairs. The stargate was off. They were all stuck here for the next month -- unless someone at SGC decided to dial back early.
He found himself hoping that would happen -- though he knew they wouldn't. Not right away, not anytime soon. At best they might cut their visit short by a few hours or days, but... why would they? They had power to dial back to Atlantis, once. Rodney and John were here, and no doubt Elizabeth had cleared it. Agreed to let them stay.
When he reached the main floor of the gateroom, Carson stopped, facing Rodney and John. They stood in a loose semi-circle, all staring at each other.
"Surprise," Rodney said, casually.
"What are you doing?" Carson demanded. "How can you...."
"Stay here with you? Keep you company?" John shrugged. "Seemed easy enough. See that big round thing?" He gestured over his shoulder at the gate, with his thumb. "We didn't walk through it and here we are."
Carson glared at him, then turned his glare on Rodney. He ought to tell them he was grateful. But he couldn't. "You had plans. You were going to visit your sister."
"Yeah, well.. I haven't seen her in years. There's no rush. And besides, it's not like we can't have our vacation here," he began, giving John a glance. "We hadn't planned to do all that much--"
Whatever gratitude Carson had felt, shattered at that. "Lovely. So you two are going to keep me company, in-between locking yourselves in your room?"
"We're not going to lock ourselves in," John began. He stopped himself, and said in a sharper tone, "I expected at least a thank you, you know."
"Well, excuse me for not being grateful," Carson said sharply, stepping away from them. It was true -- they could have as much fun as they liked, holed up here in Atlantis with no work to do, as they could back on Earth. "I suppose the only difference between staying here and staying in a hotel on Earth is the quality of the room service."
He turned to go, intending to get as far away from there as possible. A good thing he had a map of the city in his brain -- he could go where they'd not find him. They could indulge themselves as much as they liked and he wouldn't have to bother with either of them.
A hand grabbed his arm and hauled him back before he got more than two steps away. He was spun around, and Rodney was standing there, glaring at him.
"We did *not* decide to stay here so we could have sex." He paused. From the look on his face, Carson *knew* what he was going to say next. Of course they were, even if it wasn't the main reason for staying.
Carson yanked his arm free. "Stop it! Would you just.. you're here, we're all stuck here now, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with--"
He swallowed the words. Dear god, this was neither the time, nor place, to say it.
Rodney was looking at him, and his confused expression gave way to hurt. "Carson.. I-- I had no idea. This.. really bothers you. John and I?"
Carson scowled, trying to cover the fact that it did -- though he had no right to say so.
"I.. I'm sorry, Carson." He could see how Rodney was pulling away from him. Shutting himself off. Carson wanted to scream at him, but he didn't. Couldn't.
"You never said anything about...not liking guys being together," John said, hesitantly. "I had the impression it didn't bother you."
That caught Carson's attention. It took a moment for him to figure out what John meant. What Rodney thought *he* meant. Carson shook his head. "It doesn't. That never bothered me." He clamped his jaw shut as he realised he was walking himself right into admitting how he felt.
"Then...what...?" Rodney was back to looking confused. The hurt seemed to be gone, as well as the horrible, closed-off expression Carson hated having seen. But he didn't have any intention of trying to explain, and he hoped they could just drop it.
Fair chance of that, with them stuck here with only each other for company for a month. Surely he could avoid having any real conversations with them, for that time?
But they were both staring at him, and Carson tried to look away. Focused on the scrolling words in his head, as though they'd notice his attention was elsewhere and leave him to it.
"Carson, what-- oh." Rodney's voice had a frighteningly calm tone to it. The revelation that Carson could hear made him know he'd said too much. It was far too late to bolt, and hide somewhere far on the other side of the city.
"What 'oh'?" John asked. Carson tried to focus on reading about the possible reasons why the humidifiers could have failed in the elidae decks. Or possibly find a way to teleport himself far away.
"'Oh.' He..." There was a pause, and Carson caught a glimpse of Rodney's hand moving. He missed the gesture, but looked up again to find Rodney staring at him with compassion.
That was almost worse. "I don't--" he began, but he could hardly deny what no one had even said aloud. Maybe.. maybe they were talking about something else. He could blame this all on misunderstanding and save something of their friendship. Rodney's trust.
"Then what's the problem?" Rodney asked, still in that calm tone that usually delivered lectures of physics and technology -- when no one was about to die as a result of not figuring things out soon enough.
Carson tried taking a deep breath, and found it really didn't help. Instead he simply looked away again, down at the floor and noticed how the solid color made a nice background for the maintenance scroll.
There was silence, then, and Carson had time to hope they wouldn't discuss it any further. They could all pretend this conversation never happened, and Rodney and John could sequester themselves in one part of the city, and Carson could stay alone in another.
"I thought you said he turned you down?" John asked.
"He did," Rodney said, and Carson looked up again.
"Excuse me?"
Rodney shrugged. "You turned me down, both times. Back in Antarctica. I figured... oh. Um, unless it's.." He glanced at John.
Carson followed the glance, still not a clue what Rodney was talking about. John smiled back, and the penny dropped. Rodney thought it was John, that he was interested in.
Which was entirely beside the point. "When did you...give me anything to turn down?" he asked Rodney.
"About a month or two after I arrived. You remember -- we were talking at dinner and I asked you if you wanted to go back to my place."
Carson frowned, thinking back. Not as though they hadn't eaten dinner together most nights -- eaten breakfast, lunch, and game night popcorn and beer together, as well. He couldn't remember all their conversations. But he'd have noticed if Rodney had invited him back to his place for anything of the sort he'd thought Rodney too straight to agree to doing.
He did recall Rodney asking him...something, which he'd turned down. "You were inviting me to go see a hockey game."
Rodney cleared his throat. "We *were* talking about hockey. At first. Then we segued. Into..not hockey."
Again, he tried to remember the conversation. Impossible to remember exact words. But he knew he hadn't been asked *that*. If he had, he would have said yes. But Rodney seemed to think he *had* asked. "You...were making a pass at me?"
Rodney nodded.
Carson felt like slugging him. "You couldn't just say 'hey, fancy a shag?'"
"I didn't know if you'd be offended! It's hard just asking a person who might think your proclivities are unnatural and should get you banned from the project you're devoting your life to."
"So, it's him you're interested in?" John said, startling Carson a bit. He'd almost forgotten that John was standing there.
"I'm not going to get between you," he said, quickly. He tried not to notice the look that appeared on John's -- and then Rodney's -- face. "I'm not...you don't have to worry about me. I just.... Having the two of you here to keep me company isn't exactly...." He sighed. "I do appreciate it. Honestly."
Maybe he should just leave it at that. It would be nice to have someone to spend time with. He could pretend he didn't know that sometimes, Rodney and John would be off together, doing things he could only wish he could be part of. Truth was, he'd willingly have a shag with either of them -- if he weren't already in love.
That bit, he was definitely going to keep to himself. He didn't need to cause any more trouble than he already had.
"Just so we're clear," John said, "You would have said yes? If he'd spoken English and not in double entendres?"
"Excuse me," Rodney said, sounding offended. "But I was as perfectly clear as I thought it prudent to be. A US military base isn't the most encouraging place to begin a homosexual relationship."
"Lucky for me I don't feel the same," John said, smirking.
"Technically this isn't a *US* military base," Rodney countered.
"Yes," Carson said, quietly. Half-hoping they wouldn't hear.
But Rodney's head whipped around, and he stared. "Yes?"
"Cool," was all John said.
Which didn't exactly make sense. "I'm sorry?" Carson asked. Well - it was nice to know John didn't feel threatened.
"You'd have said yes? Really?" Rodney was still staring at him, and the hopeful, tentatively happy look on his face made Carson wonder if Rodney remembered he was already seeing someone.
"Yes, really," he said, because it was the only question he knew the answer to.
Rodney stared at him for a moment more, then turned to John. "Cool," he repeated.
"Well, I'm glad to have amused everyone," Carson began. He felt tired, stretched too thin to make sense of anything -- not a new feeling for him, as it described pretty much every waking moment since he'd stepped foot in Atlantis. Too little butter scraped thinly over bread, he thought to himself. The floor really was the perfect background for the text and diagrams in his eyes. Easy to read everything, and no impression that he had to focus on anything beyond the scrolling words, as well.
He started when he felt a hand touch his face, and, reluctantly, he lifted his head in response to the nudge. Rodney was standing there, looking for all the world like he was going to kiss him. Carson opened his mouth to ask him what he wanted -- when Rodney leant forward and did exactly that.
His lips were warm, dry, and softer than Carson would have expected them to be. Pressed against his own, he couldn't quite think of anything through the surprise. The fear hit only a second later, that John was standing right *there*. Surely he would be angry, or hurt, or...he wasn't saying anything, though, and Rodney kept kissing him.
Carson felt his body beginning to respond; he had to back away before Rodney felt it, too. Before he made this situation any worse than it was rapidly becoming. He tried to move back, and Rodney let him go only a half step. He still had a grip on Carson's arms, and he didn't seem about to let him leave.
Guiltily, Carson looked at John, apologies on the tip of his tongue.
John was smiling at them. Carson looked at Rodney, who was looking at him like he was waiting for something. He looked back at John.
"Er... you do realise your boyfriend just kissed me?"
"Now maybe I won't have to listen to him gripe about it." John grinned at Rodney.
"Excuse me, I don't *gripe* about it. I mention it, *occasionally*. Besides, you agreed with me."
"Well, yeah. But it's one thing to agree a guy's fuckable, and another to go on and on about it, day after day...." John paused, and gave Carson a wink.
Carson was starting to think he knew how Alice felt, falling down the rabbit hole. Maybe the connection to Murdoc had affected his brain? He was dreaming all this, and they'd return from Earth to find him collapsed on the deck above the gateroom.
"I do *not* go on day after day," Rodney insisted. He was still gripping Carson's arm -- like he knew Carson was ready to bolt.
"Excuse me, I think..." He didn't really know what to think. He was sorry he'd got their attention, however, when they stopped and both looked at him.
It was obvious they were waiting for him to keep going, but he couldn't think of anything he trusted himself to say. Finally, John was the one to speak up. He shrugged, and said, "I don't mind sharing." His tone was light, but there was an undercurrent that said things had turned very serious, indeed.
"I don't mind sharing," Rodney echoed. He sounded just as casual, but the look in his eyes was intense. It was too difficult to look away, and Carson could barely think of saying no, and seeing the disappointment there.
"You have any idea what you're saying?" Carson asked, because this conversation was not one he'd ever dreamed of having. It made his unconscious hypothesis seem more likely.
He'd never dreamed of going to another galaxy, either, so perhaps he should stop trying to put expectations on anything.
"We're saying we can do this one of two ways. All of us, or you and me and him and me. And you and him, if you want. Although I really would like to *see* it if that happens." Rodney's voice didn't reveal the tension that Carson could feel; his body was tight and unmoving, just like Carson's own.
But Carson was still trying to process what Rodney had said. John didn't help with that at all, when he said, "I'm up for that. Any of them."
"I think... I may need a drink." Carson couldn't answer. He didn't dare -- because when he woke up and they asked him what he'd been dreaming about while unconscious, he'd need to be able to say 'nothing too odd.'
"I think we can arrange that," John said. He moved towards the stairs, but Rodney didn't follow. Carson looked at him, and found that his expression hadn't changed.
Rodney opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. Carson waited a moment, then realised that Rodney was as much at a loss for words as he was. He wished he knew what to say. Perhaps he should just say yes, and worry about it later. Or go ahead and say no, now, and let them stop wondering.
He couldn't decide. He heard John walking back over, and he turned his head, still guilty over the fact he wanted to kiss Rodney again.
He was totally unprepared for John to reach his hand around the back of Carson's head, and pull him in for a kiss. Long, and hard, totally unlike the gentle passion in Rodney's kiss. But nothing he could dare pull himself away from, either.
He gasped when John let him go.
"Oh, yeah. Definitely going to have to see it," Rodney said.
Carson just swallowed, hard.
One month. No matter what his answer was, he was fairly sure he might not survive.
***********
Previous parts:
Chapter Four (with links to earlier parts).
Alone in Your Mind
by James
CHAPTER FIVE
Carson moved to the edge of the balcony, and found the railing with one hand to prevent himself from -- as he felt he must certainly do -- falling over the edge.
"I'm here," he said mildly, staring down as Rodney and John both looked up at him. Rodney's face broke into a huge smile; John looked half pleased, half guilty.
"We'll come up," Rodney called out, and Carson shook his head.
"No, I'll be right down." Not that it mattered, he realised, even as he headed for the stairs. The stargate was off. They were all stuck here for the next month -- unless someone at SGC decided to dial back early.
He found himself hoping that would happen -- though he knew they wouldn't. Not right away, not anytime soon. At best they might cut their visit short by a few hours or days, but... why would they? They had power to dial back to Atlantis, once. Rodney and John were here, and no doubt Elizabeth had cleared it. Agreed to let them stay.
When he reached the main floor of the gateroom, Carson stopped, facing Rodney and John. They stood in a loose semi-circle, all staring at each other.
"Surprise," Rodney said, casually.
"What are you doing?" Carson demanded. "How can you...."
"Stay here with you? Keep you company?" John shrugged. "Seemed easy enough. See that big round thing?" He gestured over his shoulder at the gate, with his thumb. "We didn't walk through it and here we are."
Carson glared at him, then turned his glare on Rodney. He ought to tell them he was grateful. But he couldn't. "You had plans. You were going to visit your sister."
"Yeah, well.. I haven't seen her in years. There's no rush. And besides, it's not like we can't have our vacation here," he began, giving John a glance. "We hadn't planned to do all that much--"
Whatever gratitude Carson had felt, shattered at that. "Lovely. So you two are going to keep me company, in-between locking yourselves in your room?"
"We're not going to lock ourselves in," John began. He stopped himself, and said in a sharper tone, "I expected at least a thank you, you know."
"Well, excuse me for not being grateful," Carson said sharply, stepping away from them. It was true -- they could have as much fun as they liked, holed up here in Atlantis with no work to do, as they could back on Earth. "I suppose the only difference between staying here and staying in a hotel on Earth is the quality of the room service."
He turned to go, intending to get as far away from there as possible. A good thing he had a map of the city in his brain -- he could go where they'd not find him. They could indulge themselves as much as they liked and he wouldn't have to bother with either of them.
A hand grabbed his arm and hauled him back before he got more than two steps away. He was spun around, and Rodney was standing there, glaring at him.
"We did *not* decide to stay here so we could have sex." He paused. From the look on his face, Carson *knew* what he was going to say next. Of course they were, even if it wasn't the main reason for staying.
Carson yanked his arm free. "Stop it! Would you just.. you're here, we're all stuck here now, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with--"
He swallowed the words. Dear god, this was neither the time, nor place, to say it.
Rodney was looking at him, and his confused expression gave way to hurt. "Carson.. I-- I had no idea. This.. really bothers you. John and I?"
Carson scowled, trying to cover the fact that it did -- though he had no right to say so.
"I.. I'm sorry, Carson." He could see how Rodney was pulling away from him. Shutting himself off. Carson wanted to scream at him, but he didn't. Couldn't.
"You never said anything about...not liking guys being together," John said, hesitantly. "I had the impression it didn't bother you."
That caught Carson's attention. It took a moment for him to figure out what John meant. What Rodney thought *he* meant. Carson shook his head. "It doesn't. That never bothered me." He clamped his jaw shut as he realised he was walking himself right into admitting how he felt.
"Then...what...?" Rodney was back to looking confused. The hurt seemed to be gone, as well as the horrible, closed-off expression Carson hated having seen. But he didn't have any intention of trying to explain, and he hoped they could just drop it.
Fair chance of that, with them stuck here with only each other for company for a month. Surely he could avoid having any real conversations with them, for that time?
But they were both staring at him, and Carson tried to look away. Focused on the scrolling words in his head, as though they'd notice his attention was elsewhere and leave him to it.
"Carson, what-- oh." Rodney's voice had a frighteningly calm tone to it. The revelation that Carson could hear made him know he'd said too much. It was far too late to bolt, and hide somewhere far on the other side of the city.
"What 'oh'?" John asked. Carson tried to focus on reading about the possible reasons why the humidifiers could have failed in the elidae decks. Or possibly find a way to teleport himself far away.
"'Oh.' He..." There was a pause, and Carson caught a glimpse of Rodney's hand moving. He missed the gesture, but looked up again to find Rodney staring at him with compassion.
That was almost worse. "I don't--" he began, but he could hardly deny what no one had even said aloud. Maybe.. maybe they were talking about something else. He could blame this all on misunderstanding and save something of their friendship. Rodney's trust.
"Then what's the problem?" Rodney asked, still in that calm tone that usually delivered lectures of physics and technology -- when no one was about to die as a result of not figuring things out soon enough.
Carson tried taking a deep breath, and found it really didn't help. Instead he simply looked away again, down at the floor and noticed how the solid color made a nice background for the maintenance scroll.
There was silence, then, and Carson had time to hope they wouldn't discuss it any further. They could all pretend this conversation never happened, and Rodney and John could sequester themselves in one part of the city, and Carson could stay alone in another.
"I thought you said he turned you down?" John asked.
"He did," Rodney said, and Carson looked up again.
"Excuse me?"
Rodney shrugged. "You turned me down, both times. Back in Antarctica. I figured... oh. Um, unless it's.." He glanced at John.
Carson followed the glance, still not a clue what Rodney was talking about. John smiled back, and the penny dropped. Rodney thought it was John, that he was interested in.
Which was entirely beside the point. "When did you...give me anything to turn down?" he asked Rodney.
"About a month or two after I arrived. You remember -- we were talking at dinner and I asked you if you wanted to go back to my place."
Carson frowned, thinking back. Not as though they hadn't eaten dinner together most nights -- eaten breakfast, lunch, and game night popcorn and beer together, as well. He couldn't remember all their conversations. But he'd have noticed if Rodney had invited him back to his place for anything of the sort he'd thought Rodney too straight to agree to doing.
He did recall Rodney asking him...something, which he'd turned down. "You were inviting me to go see a hockey game."
Rodney cleared his throat. "We *were* talking about hockey. At first. Then we segued. Into..not hockey."
Again, he tried to remember the conversation. Impossible to remember exact words. But he knew he hadn't been asked *that*. If he had, he would have said yes. But Rodney seemed to think he *had* asked. "You...were making a pass at me?"
Rodney nodded.
Carson felt like slugging him. "You couldn't just say 'hey, fancy a shag?'"
"I didn't know if you'd be offended! It's hard just asking a person who might think your proclivities are unnatural and should get you banned from the project you're devoting your life to."
"So, it's him you're interested in?" John said, startling Carson a bit. He'd almost forgotten that John was standing there.
"I'm not going to get between you," he said, quickly. He tried not to notice the look that appeared on John's -- and then Rodney's -- face. "I'm not...you don't have to worry about me. I just.... Having the two of you here to keep me company isn't exactly...." He sighed. "I do appreciate it. Honestly."
Maybe he should just leave it at that. It would be nice to have someone to spend time with. He could pretend he didn't know that sometimes, Rodney and John would be off together, doing things he could only wish he could be part of. Truth was, he'd willingly have a shag with either of them -- if he weren't already in love.
That bit, he was definitely going to keep to himself. He didn't need to cause any more trouble than he already had.
"Just so we're clear," John said, "You would have said yes? If he'd spoken English and not in double entendres?"
"Excuse me," Rodney said, sounding offended. "But I was as perfectly clear as I thought it prudent to be. A US military base isn't the most encouraging place to begin a homosexual relationship."
"Lucky for me I don't feel the same," John said, smirking.
"Technically this isn't a *US* military base," Rodney countered.
"Yes," Carson said, quietly. Half-hoping they wouldn't hear.
But Rodney's head whipped around, and he stared. "Yes?"
"Cool," was all John said.
Which didn't exactly make sense. "I'm sorry?" Carson asked. Well - it was nice to know John didn't feel threatened.
"You'd have said yes? Really?" Rodney was still staring at him, and the hopeful, tentatively happy look on his face made Carson wonder if Rodney remembered he was already seeing someone.
"Yes, really," he said, because it was the only question he knew the answer to.
Rodney stared at him for a moment more, then turned to John. "Cool," he repeated.
"Well, I'm glad to have amused everyone," Carson began. He felt tired, stretched too thin to make sense of anything -- not a new feeling for him, as it described pretty much every waking moment since he'd stepped foot in Atlantis. Too little butter scraped thinly over bread, he thought to himself. The floor really was the perfect background for the text and diagrams in his eyes. Easy to read everything, and no impression that he had to focus on anything beyond the scrolling words, as well.
He started when he felt a hand touch his face, and, reluctantly, he lifted his head in response to the nudge. Rodney was standing there, looking for all the world like he was going to kiss him. Carson opened his mouth to ask him what he wanted -- when Rodney leant forward and did exactly that.
His lips were warm, dry, and softer than Carson would have expected them to be. Pressed against his own, he couldn't quite think of anything through the surprise. The fear hit only a second later, that John was standing right *there*. Surely he would be angry, or hurt, or...he wasn't saying anything, though, and Rodney kept kissing him.
Carson felt his body beginning to respond; he had to back away before Rodney felt it, too. Before he made this situation any worse than it was rapidly becoming. He tried to move back, and Rodney let him go only a half step. He still had a grip on Carson's arms, and he didn't seem about to let him leave.
Guiltily, Carson looked at John, apologies on the tip of his tongue.
John was smiling at them. Carson looked at Rodney, who was looking at him like he was waiting for something. He looked back at John.
"Er... you do realise your boyfriend just kissed me?"
"Now maybe I won't have to listen to him gripe about it." John grinned at Rodney.
"Excuse me, I don't *gripe* about it. I mention it, *occasionally*. Besides, you agreed with me."
"Well, yeah. But it's one thing to agree a guy's fuckable, and another to go on and on about it, day after day...." John paused, and gave Carson a wink.
Carson was starting to think he knew how Alice felt, falling down the rabbit hole. Maybe the connection to Murdoc had affected his brain? He was dreaming all this, and they'd return from Earth to find him collapsed on the deck above the gateroom.
"I do *not* go on day after day," Rodney insisted. He was still gripping Carson's arm -- like he knew Carson was ready to bolt.
"Excuse me, I think..." He didn't really know what to think. He was sorry he'd got their attention, however, when they stopped and both looked at him.
It was obvious they were waiting for him to keep going, but he couldn't think of anything he trusted himself to say. Finally, John was the one to speak up. He shrugged, and said, "I don't mind sharing." His tone was light, but there was an undercurrent that said things had turned very serious, indeed.
"I don't mind sharing," Rodney echoed. He sounded just as casual, but the look in his eyes was intense. It was too difficult to look away, and Carson could barely think of saying no, and seeing the disappointment there.
"You have any idea what you're saying?" Carson asked, because this conversation was not one he'd ever dreamed of having. It made his unconscious hypothesis seem more likely.
He'd never dreamed of going to another galaxy, either, so perhaps he should stop trying to put expectations on anything.
"We're saying we can do this one of two ways. All of us, or you and me and him and me. And you and him, if you want. Although I really would like to *see* it if that happens." Rodney's voice didn't reveal the tension that Carson could feel; his body was tight and unmoving, just like Carson's own.
But Carson was still trying to process what Rodney had said. John didn't help with that at all, when he said, "I'm up for that. Any of them."
"I think... I may need a drink." Carson couldn't answer. He didn't dare -- because when he woke up and they asked him what he'd been dreaming about while unconscious, he'd need to be able to say 'nothing too odd.'
"I think we can arrange that," John said. He moved towards the stairs, but Rodney didn't follow. Carson looked at him, and found that his expression hadn't changed.
Rodney opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. Carson waited a moment, then realised that Rodney was as much at a loss for words as he was. He wished he knew what to say. Perhaps he should just say yes, and worry about it later. Or go ahead and say no, now, and let them stop wondering.
He couldn't decide. He heard John walking back over, and he turned his head, still guilty over the fact he wanted to kiss Rodney again.
He was totally unprepared for John to reach his hand around the back of Carson's head, and pull him in for a kiss. Long, and hard, totally unlike the gentle passion in Rodney's kiss. But nothing he could dare pull himself away from, either.
He gasped when John let him go.
"Oh, yeah. Definitely going to have to see it," Rodney said.
Carson just swallowed, hard.
One month. No matter what his answer was, he was fairly sure he might not survive.
***********