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gilascavePrevious parts:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
CHAPTER FOUR
No one said a word to him about it. Days went by, people continued rushing about like they were leaving for summer camp. No one asked him if he'd be all right, no one stopped asking what he planned to do back home.
Obviously Rodney had said nothing. It hurt, no matter how grateful Carson was that he wouldn't have to argue anyone out of staying behind. He was a grown man, he didn't need hand-holding. But he'd thought that Rodney would have done *something* other than drop the matter completely.
Carson was in the medical lab, trying to focus on closing down some of Dr Weinstein's experiments, the morning of the departure. If he'd thought it chaos before, that was nothing compared to now. People were remembering things they'd forgot, or forgot that they'd already remembered. Dr Weir had made a comment about delaying their departure for an extra week to give everyone time to get ready but she'd been shouted down.
Carson was helping out where he could, deflecting questions about his own work being safely stowed away. He felt deflated as he sat at the counter, putting slides away. Behind him, Josephine and Kada were talking about going surfing. He heard the door slide open, then Kada said, "Hello, Major."
Curious, Carson glanced over his shoulder. He grew more curious when Sheppard came directly towards him. John glanced towards the two women before sitting down on a stool and scooting it close. Carson frowned, leaning back a bit.
"Rodney sent me down to get your list," John said, keeping his voice low.
"List?"
"You know. Shopping list. You do want stuff brought back, don't you?" John seemed only slightly concerned about the fact Carson was staying behind.
"I.. hadn't thought about it," Carson said, keeping his own voice low. He looked back down at the slides, and continued setting them in the case. The things he wanted weren't the sort anyone could carry back.
"Everyone gets to fill a personal bag, like we did the first time. Bring some more stuff from home -- Rodney wanted me to find out what you want."
It wasn't what he'd expected of Rodney, but it was nice to realise he hadn't completely left it alone. A few more things from Earth would be... not the same as going home. But nice.
"I'll think about it and let him know," he said quietly.
There was a pause, before John nodded. "OK, then." He leaned back but didn't make any move to leave. Carson waited a moment, wondering if he were supposed to clue him in that he had nothing else to say.
But John looked like he was trying to decide something, and Carson had a feeling he knew what it was. Some polite gesture over his being stuck here while everyone else left.
"It's all right," he said, preemptively.
John nodded. "I'm sorry there isn't a way--" He stopped and glanced over at the two women. They were deep in their own conversation and organising of Josephine's notebooks. Carson doubted they would overhear anything.
"It's fine," he said again, trying to sound as though it really were. "Potato scones," he said, thinking of something easy, and portable. "If Ian McEwan's got a new book out, a copy of that."
"Who? Nevermind, I'll just write it down." Sheppard pulled a piece of paper off the shelf above the counter, and stole a pen from Carson's lab coat pocket. "Anything else?"
"I'll think about it," Carson said again. It wasn't as though he really cared -- but it occurred to him that he might start thinking seriously about what he did want from home.
When he'd packed the first time, it had been with the knowledge that they might not return. But there had been the hope otherwise, and, he had to admit, he'd always believed they would return one day. He'd packed as though going on a trip from which he would one day return.
He wasn't, now.
"Rodney said to get as long a list as possible, you know, in case we can't find one thing we can get something else."
There was a decidedly casual tone in Sheppard's voice that caught Carson's attention. He looked at him, but John's expression seemed perfectly innocent.
"What are you two -- he's got you giving up room in your bag as well, has he?"
Sheppard started to deny it, but then he simply shrugged. "I can shove something in there. Not a lot I need that takes up much room."
"You don't have to--"
"I want to," Sheppard said, quickly. And he seemed to mean it. Carson wondered how Rodney had talked him into *that*.
No. He didn't want to think about Rodney offering John favours. Well, the easiest thing to do was simply not give Rodney a list. Not more than what he'd already said. Then he wouldn't have to think about it when John brought anything for him, back in his own luggage.
"I'll let him know before.... I'll let him know." He had no intention of it, but at least he could let John think he'd done his duty. He turned his attention back to the slides, refiling the last three he'd misfiled.
He was surprised when Sheppard put a hand over his own. "Carson. Give us more of a list, OK? It isn't much, but it's something we can do to make up for the fact--" He glanced over, again, but Josephine and Kada weren't listening. "Let us do this, OK?"
"I...why do you want to?" The question slipped out before he remembered that he didn't want to know. He shook his head. "I know why Rodney's made you agree to help. It isn't necessary." He didn't want to add that he didn't expect John to care. They'd never been the sort of friends he and Rodney were.
He really didn't want to think about Rodney talking John into agreeing to help.
"Because I don't like the idea that you can't go with us. It isn't fair, and this is the only way I can help. So I'm going to. If I have to stuff my bag with weird food and trashy novels, I will."
"Ian McEwan is *not* trashy!" Carson retorted. He stopped when he realised John was smirking at him.
"I tried to read.. what was it? Amsterdam. Couldn't get into it."
"It wasn't one of his best," Carson said, still staring at Sheppard like.. like he'd sat down and was having a conversation.
When was the last time that had ever happened? The longest conversation they'd ever had consisted of the major trying to teach Carson how to fly a jumper. Carson hadn't thought it a coincidence that for his second lesson, Markham had become his instructor.
"Well, that type of fiction really isn't my speed. I like Dean Koontz and Dan Simmons better. Of the contemporary stuff."
"You read horror."
Sheppard shrugged. "Oddly, not so much anymore."
Carson smiled, briefly. "That's not hard to imagine."
"Yeah, somehow I don't think I'll be wanting to get any Stephen King books. I don't care how long it's been since the Dark Tower first came out."
Carson had never in his life picked up a Stephen King book, so he only nodded as though Sheppard's comment made any sense. It left him at a loss as to what to say, though.
"Maybe I'll try fantasy," John said, thoughtfully. "Elves and dwarves and dragons might be safe."
Carson frowned. "You know we'll find them, now. On some planet we gate to -- the ancients will have read Tolkien and decided to make their own version."
John laughed. "As long as we don't have to fight the bad guy, what's his name."
"Actually, the Black Riders aren't that much different from the Wraith." He started thinking about the similarities, and decided he really didn't want to know.
"There you go. Now we just need elves and hobbits."
"We *don't*," Carson reminded him. "Because then we'd also have a Balrog, and Sauron, and magical rings that corrupt people."
"Like the Stargate?" John said with an innocent tone.
"The stargates are not evil," he said reflexively. But thinking about the stargate reminded him of the fact he'd never get to step through one again. Which wasn't all that bad a thing, as far as having his molecules scrambled. But it meant he couldn't go home.
He turned back to the slides he was supposed to be putting away so Dr Weinstein wouldn't have to worry about them. Not like he couldn't finish it up tomorrow, though no one but Rodney and John knew that.
He waited for Sheppard to say something more, but he didn't. They sat for a moment, then John stood up. "Be sure and get us that list," he said, and patted Carson on the shoulder before turning away and walking out.
Carson didn't answer. The slides weren't going to put themselves away. He tried not to think about...anything, really, as he sorted through the next batch.
The maintenance scroll flickered as an item moved up the list of priority. Carson didn't bother reading it. He'd get to it tomorrow.
***********
He ended up giving Rodney a list of ten items. He'd found Rodney in his lab, barking orders at people as though they didn't know what they were doing. He'd glanced at Carson when he'd walked in, and Carson had said nothing as he'd handed over a folded piece of paper with his list written on it.
He'd meant to only list one or two things, but once he'd started thinking about it, he'd thought of several items to add. He'd erased a few and left the list at ten -- enough for Rodney to feel he was bringing something back, but not so much it would take up too much room. He'd restricted himself to small items as well, for the same reason.
When Carson had handed him the list, Rodney had started to say something. But Carson had left before he could. Now he was wandering hallways not used much by the others -- he didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to risk having a conversation that would lead him to having to tell anyone else he wasn't going.
He imagined Weir would be angry when she found out. But with the moment finally here -- it was too hard. He couldn't think about it, didn't want to talk about it. He definitely did not want to argue with anyone about why they shouldn't stay.
No matter how much he wished someone would.
He looked at the clock -- the time and planetary position were marked in the bottom right-hand corner of the maintenance 'screen' in his head. He hadn't figured out why he needed to know the relative position of the planet in the solar system, but assumed it would either become relevant, or it wouldn't. It didn't take up any more space than everything else in his field of vision, so he hadn't tried to get rid of it.
The Atlantis team was leaving in just a few more minutes. He wasn't very far from the gateroom -- close enough he could imagine that he could hear them talking. All of them gathered, excited, waiting for Grodin to open the gate to Earth. Weir would be giving them a speech, perhaps. Letting them know that if anyone decided to stay on Earth and not come back, that was perfectly fine. Carson didn't know if anyone who was seriously considering it, but he knew that after being home for four weeks, some of them might opt out of coming back.
According to the clock, they should be just about ready to dial the gate. Carson found himself turning down another hallway, heading for the gateroom. Possibly a mistake, but -- well, he didn't have to go all the way. He could stop, just out of sight. Out of hearing -- he could turn around right now and not go down, at all.
But he didn't stop. He hurried, in fact, as he realised that now he was going to see them off, he didn't want to miss them. Not completely -- he still didn't want anyone to catch sight of him. Rodney and John would explain it to Weir, on the other side. When it was too late to open the gate again and return, without using up all the power.
He could hear the gate, now. It was on -- no doubt folks were on their way through. He walked faster, hurrying more until he reached the doorway where he stopped. Looking through, down into the gateroom, he could see the blue swirl of the stargate's open portal. Two figures were just disappearing through.
Another second, and the gate went off.
Carson felt as though he'd been hit in the belly with a hammer. He was alone. Everyone had gone -- home.
He felt his knees shake, and suddenly they were no longer holding him up. He held onto the doorway, but slid down to the floor. He wasn't... couldn't ever....
He dropped his head and wished -- anything. Something, other than this.
"Let's go find him."
Carson's head jerked up as he heard Rodney's voice.
Rodney -- talking to someone else. Carson staggered to his feet and moved forward, not quite letting go of the doorway. Looked down into the main area of the gateroom and saw Rodney standing in the middle of the gateroom with John.
****************
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
CHAPTER FOUR
No one said a word to him about it. Days went by, people continued rushing about like they were leaving for summer camp. No one asked him if he'd be all right, no one stopped asking what he planned to do back home.
Obviously Rodney had said nothing. It hurt, no matter how grateful Carson was that he wouldn't have to argue anyone out of staying behind. He was a grown man, he didn't need hand-holding. But he'd thought that Rodney would have done *something* other than drop the matter completely.
Carson was in the medical lab, trying to focus on closing down some of Dr Weinstein's experiments, the morning of the departure. If he'd thought it chaos before, that was nothing compared to now. People were remembering things they'd forgot, or forgot that they'd already remembered. Dr Weir had made a comment about delaying their departure for an extra week to give everyone time to get ready but she'd been shouted down.
Carson was helping out where he could, deflecting questions about his own work being safely stowed away. He felt deflated as he sat at the counter, putting slides away. Behind him, Josephine and Kada were talking about going surfing. He heard the door slide open, then Kada said, "Hello, Major."
Curious, Carson glanced over his shoulder. He grew more curious when Sheppard came directly towards him. John glanced towards the two women before sitting down on a stool and scooting it close. Carson frowned, leaning back a bit.
"Rodney sent me down to get your list," John said, keeping his voice low.
"List?"
"You know. Shopping list. You do want stuff brought back, don't you?" John seemed only slightly concerned about the fact Carson was staying behind.
"I.. hadn't thought about it," Carson said, keeping his own voice low. He looked back down at the slides, and continued setting them in the case. The things he wanted weren't the sort anyone could carry back.
"Everyone gets to fill a personal bag, like we did the first time. Bring some more stuff from home -- Rodney wanted me to find out what you want."
It wasn't what he'd expected of Rodney, but it was nice to realise he hadn't completely left it alone. A few more things from Earth would be... not the same as going home. But nice.
"I'll think about it and let him know," he said quietly.
There was a pause, before John nodded. "OK, then." He leaned back but didn't make any move to leave. Carson waited a moment, wondering if he were supposed to clue him in that he had nothing else to say.
But John looked like he was trying to decide something, and Carson had a feeling he knew what it was. Some polite gesture over his being stuck here while everyone else left.
"It's all right," he said, preemptively.
John nodded. "I'm sorry there isn't a way--" He stopped and glanced over at the two women. They were deep in their own conversation and organising of Josephine's notebooks. Carson doubted they would overhear anything.
"It's fine," he said again, trying to sound as though it really were. "Potato scones," he said, thinking of something easy, and portable. "If Ian McEwan's got a new book out, a copy of that."
"Who? Nevermind, I'll just write it down." Sheppard pulled a piece of paper off the shelf above the counter, and stole a pen from Carson's lab coat pocket. "Anything else?"
"I'll think about it," Carson said again. It wasn't as though he really cared -- but it occurred to him that he might start thinking seriously about what he did want from home.
When he'd packed the first time, it had been with the knowledge that they might not return. But there had been the hope otherwise, and, he had to admit, he'd always believed they would return one day. He'd packed as though going on a trip from which he would one day return.
He wasn't, now.
"Rodney said to get as long a list as possible, you know, in case we can't find one thing we can get something else."
There was a decidedly casual tone in Sheppard's voice that caught Carson's attention. He looked at him, but John's expression seemed perfectly innocent.
"What are you two -- he's got you giving up room in your bag as well, has he?"
Sheppard started to deny it, but then he simply shrugged. "I can shove something in there. Not a lot I need that takes up much room."
"You don't have to--"
"I want to," Sheppard said, quickly. And he seemed to mean it. Carson wondered how Rodney had talked him into *that*.
No. He didn't want to think about Rodney offering John favours. Well, the easiest thing to do was simply not give Rodney a list. Not more than what he'd already said. Then he wouldn't have to think about it when John brought anything for him, back in his own luggage.
"I'll let him know before.... I'll let him know." He had no intention of it, but at least he could let John think he'd done his duty. He turned his attention back to the slides, refiling the last three he'd misfiled.
He was surprised when Sheppard put a hand over his own. "Carson. Give us more of a list, OK? It isn't much, but it's something we can do to make up for the fact--" He glanced over, again, but Josephine and Kada weren't listening. "Let us do this, OK?"
"I...why do you want to?" The question slipped out before he remembered that he didn't want to know. He shook his head. "I know why Rodney's made you agree to help. It isn't necessary." He didn't want to add that he didn't expect John to care. They'd never been the sort of friends he and Rodney were.
He really didn't want to think about Rodney talking John into agreeing to help.
"Because I don't like the idea that you can't go with us. It isn't fair, and this is the only way I can help. So I'm going to. If I have to stuff my bag with weird food and trashy novels, I will."
"Ian McEwan is *not* trashy!" Carson retorted. He stopped when he realised John was smirking at him.
"I tried to read.. what was it? Amsterdam. Couldn't get into it."
"It wasn't one of his best," Carson said, still staring at Sheppard like.. like he'd sat down and was having a conversation.
When was the last time that had ever happened? The longest conversation they'd ever had consisted of the major trying to teach Carson how to fly a jumper. Carson hadn't thought it a coincidence that for his second lesson, Markham had become his instructor.
"Well, that type of fiction really isn't my speed. I like Dean Koontz and Dan Simmons better. Of the contemporary stuff."
"You read horror."
Sheppard shrugged. "Oddly, not so much anymore."
Carson smiled, briefly. "That's not hard to imagine."
"Yeah, somehow I don't think I'll be wanting to get any Stephen King books. I don't care how long it's been since the Dark Tower first came out."
Carson had never in his life picked up a Stephen King book, so he only nodded as though Sheppard's comment made any sense. It left him at a loss as to what to say, though.
"Maybe I'll try fantasy," John said, thoughtfully. "Elves and dwarves and dragons might be safe."
Carson frowned. "You know we'll find them, now. On some planet we gate to -- the ancients will have read Tolkien and decided to make their own version."
John laughed. "As long as we don't have to fight the bad guy, what's his name."
"Actually, the Black Riders aren't that much different from the Wraith." He started thinking about the similarities, and decided he really didn't want to know.
"There you go. Now we just need elves and hobbits."
"We *don't*," Carson reminded him. "Because then we'd also have a Balrog, and Sauron, and magical rings that corrupt people."
"Like the Stargate?" John said with an innocent tone.
"The stargates are not evil," he said reflexively. But thinking about the stargate reminded him of the fact he'd never get to step through one again. Which wasn't all that bad a thing, as far as having his molecules scrambled. But it meant he couldn't go home.
He turned back to the slides he was supposed to be putting away so Dr Weinstein wouldn't have to worry about them. Not like he couldn't finish it up tomorrow, though no one but Rodney and John knew that.
He waited for Sheppard to say something more, but he didn't. They sat for a moment, then John stood up. "Be sure and get us that list," he said, and patted Carson on the shoulder before turning away and walking out.
Carson didn't answer. The slides weren't going to put themselves away. He tried not to think about...anything, really, as he sorted through the next batch.
The maintenance scroll flickered as an item moved up the list of priority. Carson didn't bother reading it. He'd get to it tomorrow.
***********
He ended up giving Rodney a list of ten items. He'd found Rodney in his lab, barking orders at people as though they didn't know what they were doing. He'd glanced at Carson when he'd walked in, and Carson had said nothing as he'd handed over a folded piece of paper with his list written on it.
He'd meant to only list one or two things, but once he'd started thinking about it, he'd thought of several items to add. He'd erased a few and left the list at ten -- enough for Rodney to feel he was bringing something back, but not so much it would take up too much room. He'd restricted himself to small items as well, for the same reason.
When Carson had handed him the list, Rodney had started to say something. But Carson had left before he could. Now he was wandering hallways not used much by the others -- he didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to risk having a conversation that would lead him to having to tell anyone else he wasn't going.
He imagined Weir would be angry when she found out. But with the moment finally here -- it was too hard. He couldn't think about it, didn't want to talk about it. He definitely did not want to argue with anyone about why they shouldn't stay.
No matter how much he wished someone would.
He looked at the clock -- the time and planetary position were marked in the bottom right-hand corner of the maintenance 'screen' in his head. He hadn't figured out why he needed to know the relative position of the planet in the solar system, but assumed it would either become relevant, or it wouldn't. It didn't take up any more space than everything else in his field of vision, so he hadn't tried to get rid of it.
The Atlantis team was leaving in just a few more minutes. He wasn't very far from the gateroom -- close enough he could imagine that he could hear them talking. All of them gathered, excited, waiting for Grodin to open the gate to Earth. Weir would be giving them a speech, perhaps. Letting them know that if anyone decided to stay on Earth and not come back, that was perfectly fine. Carson didn't know if anyone who was seriously considering it, but he knew that after being home for four weeks, some of them might opt out of coming back.
According to the clock, they should be just about ready to dial the gate. Carson found himself turning down another hallway, heading for the gateroom. Possibly a mistake, but -- well, he didn't have to go all the way. He could stop, just out of sight. Out of hearing -- he could turn around right now and not go down, at all.
But he didn't stop. He hurried, in fact, as he realised that now he was going to see them off, he didn't want to miss them. Not completely -- he still didn't want anyone to catch sight of him. Rodney and John would explain it to Weir, on the other side. When it was too late to open the gate again and return, without using up all the power.
He could hear the gate, now. It was on -- no doubt folks were on their way through. He walked faster, hurrying more until he reached the doorway where he stopped. Looking through, down into the gateroom, he could see the blue swirl of the stargate's open portal. Two figures were just disappearing through.
Another second, and the gate went off.
Carson felt as though he'd been hit in the belly with a hammer. He was alone. Everyone had gone -- home.
He felt his knees shake, and suddenly they were no longer holding him up. He held onto the doorway, but slid down to the floor. He wasn't... couldn't ever....
He dropped his head and wished -- anything. Something, other than this.
"Let's go find him."
Carson's head jerked up as he heard Rodney's voice.
Rodney -- talking to someone else. Carson staggered to his feet and moved forward, not quite letting go of the doorway. Looked down into the main area of the gateroom and saw Rodney standing in the middle of the gateroom with John.
****************