Sandy Places Among the Angels

[gilascave]

Previous parts will eventually be up at http://perian.slashcity.org/gila/

Sandy Places Among the Angels
by Wolfling (wolfling@sympatico.ca) and James (zortified@highstream.net)

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

They left the lab; Xander knew he wouldn't get any more work done on his project, and the thought of a Friday deadline suddenly didn't mean anything. It was 50% of his grade -- but who cared? It wasn't like he could concentrate on his experiment.

It wasn't like he could really concentrate on driving, but he managed somehow. He wasn't really sure how, because he wasn't really paying attention. When he parked his truck in the underground parking, he realised with a start he'd brought them to Spike's building. Spike hadn't said a word -- either he hadn't noticed or didn't think anything of it.

They headed upstairs in silence, Spike juggling a ring of keys as they approached the door. The building was mostly empty, other than Spike and a couple of hafnar demons at the far end of the basement. Maybe that was why he'd brought them here -- Xander didn't feel like running into any of his neighbors. He didn't want to have to make small talk or answer questions about what was wrong. He just wanted...wanted this not to be true.

Spike had his head down as he unlocked his door. Xander usually teased him about why he bothered, who would steal from a vampire? Not today. Spike didn't say a word as he pushed the door open and walked inside, foregoing *his* usual joke about inviting Xander in, the human into a vampire's lair. Xander followed, closing the door behind him and leaning against it wearily.

He saw Spike glance back towards him, but he wasn't sure Spike really saw him. The apartment was a huge loft -- they'd knocked down a few walls, and taken over what had been two apartments to make one huge one. Spike had never bothered buying a decent TV, or a computer, or even bookshelves, which was why they tended to hang out at Xander's place.

He waited, but Spike just took a few steps into the living area and stopped. His lover looked...lost.

"Spike?"

"Xan?"

He opened his mouth, but couldn't think of anything to say. So he crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Spike. His lover nestled into his embrace -- for a moment Xander had a eerie flashback to all the times *he* had burrowed into Giles' embraces. Then Spike sighed, and pressed against him.

He didn't feel anything like Giles.

"We should..." Xander trailed off, not sure what they should be doing.

"No."

"No?"

"No." Spike's voice was small, and sounded odd. It didn't seem like he was going to let go of Xander any time soon, either.

"Okay," Xander replied, though he still wasn't sure what Spike had been denying, or what he was agreeing to now. The world had stopped making sense some time ago -- back in the lab.

They stood there, silently, for several minutes.

Gradually Xander became aware that Spike was shaking. "Spike?"

Spike made a sort of noncommittal noise, but didn't follow up with an actual response.

"What's-" Xander bit off the sentence before he could ask the extremely idiotic 'what's wrong?' Doyle was dead, that was what was wrong.

But still...Spike, vampire. He'd seen more death than Xander even wanted to think about. Doyle was...had been...a friend, of course, but shouldn't it be he, Xander, that was falling apart over this?

There was a soft sound, like Spike had tried to say something, but nothing more than air had come out. But he was clinging to Xander like *he'd* been the one--

Oh. Sometimes, Xander reflected, he could be extremely dense. Hugging Spike tighter, he murmured, "I'm right here."

"Saw you--" Spike said, his voice nearly crumbling. "They said it couldn't be-- it had to... if you'd been there and a step closer than Doyle, you'd have--" He stopped, and his arms tightened even harder around Xander.

He couldn't deny it; he didn't want to die, but he wouldn't have let a friend die in his place. "I'm right here," Xander repeated, giving the only reassurance he could.

"Don't ever," Spike began, sharply. When he stopped, Xander wasn't surprised. It wasn't the sort of thing he could promise -- Spike knew as well as he did the sort of life they lived. It was a wonder Xander hadn't been killed before now, the kind of danger he'd been in throughout high school.

But he hadn't been; none of the people he'd been really close to had been, not since Jesse. And that was before they'd known what was going on, knew how to fight back. Since then...it had been like they'd been living a charmed life. Until now.

"Guess our luck finally ran out, huh?" he asked, hearing the shakiness in his own voice.

Spike's arms tightened sharply -- making Xander fear for his ribs. But Spike loosened his grip infinitesimally, immediately after. "Not luck," he insisted. "Don't blame this on luck. Don't *ever*--" he stopped again as his voice had risen.

"Well, what is it then, if not luck? Fate? You saying that Doyle was destined to die?"

"No. I'm saying you damn well better be good enough to win." Spike leaned back and looked at him squarely in the eye. "Or you damn well better run away."

Xander met his lover's gaze with his own. "I can't promise-"

Spike frowned, stubbornly, and looked like he was about to argue. Then he just let go of Xander and stormed away, pacing quickly across the living area.

"Spike?" Xander asked, voice smaller than he had intended, feeling suddenly bereft.

His lover spun around instantly, his own expression as lost and uncertain as Xander felt. "You have to," he insisted, but without any heat in his voice. "M'not losing you."

"I don't want to lose you either."

"Ever." Spike looked at him, a curious expression on his face, a mix of petulance and something else, something that made Xander think of the demon he rarely saw.

He wanted to promise, but he knew he couldn't, and he didn't want to lie. But he wasn't a vampire. He wasn't going to live forever. "I can't promise not to die..."

But Spike shook his head. "Promise me you won't...do what Doyle did. I don't *care* if the whole bloody world goes away. Don't *sacrifice* yourself. Not..." His voice caught, and he looked away. "Not without me. Xan, you didn't see Angel's face. And he's only been in love a few weeks. I've had you for years."

Oh god, Angel... He didn't even want to think about how Angel must be feeling. It was just too much. Forcing his mind back to Spike's words, he asked, "You saying that if I have to...sacrifice myself...I have to let you come with?"

"If the only way you can save the world -- and it has to be the world. None of this 'die for greater Los Angeles' crap. If the only way is for you to let yourself be killed, I'm not staying here to watch."

"So you want to come with me."

"Well, if I can't convince you to come with *me* to Brasil, then yes. I'll have to go with you." Spike looked at him, directly. Not blinking, not breathing, not moving.

Xander crossed the room until he was standing directly in front of Spike. "All right," he breathed, barely audible.

"You promise?" His words were just as soft, his eyes never leaving Xander's. He hadn't reached out for him again; not yet.

"Promise."

With that, Spike launched himself at Xander again, pinning him in an embrace as tight as the one before.

"Love you." The words slipped out without Xander thinking about it.

"Love you, too." There was a pause, then in a tone that sounded more like Spike normally, he added, "Sorry about.. getting all brains-turned-to-mush on you."

"S'okay. It's understandable." He hugged Spike tighter as the knowledge of what had happened hit him all over again.

Doyle was gone.

They stood there, Spike held him as tightly as Xander held Spike, and now neither of them said anything.

Spike seemed perfectly willing to stay right there, holding him, not saying anything more -- sappy, brained mushed, or otherwise.

Xander, however, needed more. "Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you-- I need-- Will you fuck me?"

Spike blinked at him. Then Xander saw a quirk of amusement, and Spike said seriously, "I dunno."

"You don't?"

"I--" Spike looked down, and with a deliberately shy tone, said, "You've got jeans on."

"I can take them off," Xander offered, eager to put everything behind him and just think about sex. Anything but think about-- anything.

"Would you?" Spike looked at him hopefully.

"You'll have to let me go."

There was a brief pause. Then, "Don't want to."

Xander found himself hugging Spike tighter at those words. "Still got my jeans on."

"Yeah." Spike sounded sad. "Have to figure out how to do it with 'em in the way." Then Spike kissed him.

"You could just bite me," Xander offered rather breathlessly when Spike released his lips.

He felt Spike's mouth on his neck before he had time to take his next breath. But then he stopped. After a second, Spike pulled back. "I can't."

"You can't?"

Apologetically, Spike said, "We... we'll have to go 'round to Angel's place. Eventually. We can't--"

"I'm not sure I care," Xander said stubbornly, pouting. Talking about Angel meant thinking about Angel, which meant thinking about things that weren't having sex with Spike.

"Xan...." Spike reached up, and touched his jaw. "It's not like he's at his most...sane, right now. How d'you know he won't show up at my door in half an hour and stake me? Drag you off to Sunnydale to be exorcised?"

It was Xander's turn to clutch at Spike in a half panic. "I'd never let him hurt you."

"I know. I know," Spike said, holding him. "Just...it would be stupid to die for a quick bite. World wouldn't even get saved."

Xander sighed, giving in. "I just want to be as close to you as I can get."

Spike kissed him. "You're already inside my heart. Where else can you be?"

Xander just stared at Spike, the words echoing in his head.

"Xander?" Spike tilted his head to one side, looking at him, confused.

"Tell me more?"

"You're doing horrible things to my reputation as an evil, heartless bloodsucker, making me say things like this." Spike grinned. "I could bring you a dead rat, show you how much I love you."

"Ewwww." Xander wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Dead birds?"

"Only if they're chicken or turkey, plucked, and preferably already cooked."

Spike grinned again, then his smile faded and he got serious again. "Give you a non-plucked, uncooked, un-dead gorgeous guy?"

"Bleach blond with an attitude?"

Spike frowned. "I don't bleach."

Xander snorted. "That why your bathroom is full of bleach kits?"

"That's for cleaning the drain." Spike kissed him again, and Xander could feel the tension in them both. Pretending wasn't working.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I bite you?"


Spike didn't even hesitate. "Always."

*************
end chapter twenty eight