Lost at the Edge of the Sun, 4/5
Feb. 9th, 2011 03:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gilascaveContinued from part three
For the next two weeks, everything seemed to be fine. He caught Chin and Kono giving him weirdly sympathetic looks now and again, and once Kono patted him on the arm and looked for all the world like she'd wanted to give him a supportive hug. Steve stopped stalking Danny around the office or lying in wait to try to spring questions on him. Once or twice he'd actually backed off when he seemed to think he might be pushing. It was all sort of annoying, and seriously Steve's behavior was bordering on sort of cute, which made Danny think that he had it really, really bad. The only part that bothered him was how he'd still catch Steve watching him with a thoughtful expression, like he was seeing something Danny wasn't prepared to reveal. He didn't think it was a coincidence that on Friday Steve announced it was 5-0 Pizza Day and bought the team pies and drinks -- with an entire large, cheese-only pizza left over that Danny somehow ended up being the one to take home.
He'd been popular with the kids at the camp that night as he'd shared it with them, tearing the slices into halves and thirds to make sure it went around. The impromptu party had gone a long way towards making him feel like he wasn't a total outsider. It had also helped his overall mood that he'd been able to stop at the surplus store and give Kaimi the money he owed him. It made him skint again, but he preferred having as few debts hanging over his head as he could possibly manage.
All in all, Danny was relieved that his life away from work was settling down into routines that made it easier to bear. He'd even found it easy -- or just bearable -- to accept Steve's offer when the other man had casually asked, the Tuesday before Danny had Grace again, if his neighbors were still fighting. Danny had felt all kinds of guilt, and had had to shove down the feeling that he'd finally failed to be any kind of decent father. But he'd said yes, and he'd taken Grace back to Steve's place for the weekend.
Steve hadn't asked for a grocery list that time and Danny had found the junk food hidden in the cabinets, but he'd just shoved them back where Grace might not notice them and didn't say a word. He'd slept on a real bed down the hall from Steve, and he'd said nothing when Steve pulled out his wallet every time they went out to eat, burgers and barbecue and even lasagna. Steve had accused him of making obscene noises during lunch while he'd eaten it and Danny had simply flipped him off while Grace wasn't looking.
Danny was able to keep the entertainment down to a dull roar, one trip to the movies and the rest of the weekend was spent on the beach at Steve's place, and when Sunday night rolled around again Grace had been just as delighted with her visit and had hugged him just as hard as every other time Danny dropped her off.
He didn't know how long it would work before Steve got tired or suspicious, but there were two whole weeks before he had to worry about it. If Grace had been younger, he would have simply taken her back to the camp with him, told her they were camping out and she wouldn't have been the wiser. But he knew she was too old for that sort of deception now; she'd notice that the tents were lived in, not vacation spots. And she'd play with the other kids and they would tell her things and unless Danny was willing to teach her to lie to her mother, there would be no way Danny could prevent Rachel from finding out.
And that would end his visitation right there, he had no doubt. But he did a little figuring, and he'd decided he could afford, now, to alternate a weekend in a modest hotel with a weekend at Steve's -- or more, if Steve got tired of having them over. But he was completely determined to not worry about it for the time being and simply let himself if not relax, then at least stop jumping out of his skin every time someone walked into the room.
By the time he walked into Iolani Palace on Monday morning, only a little late due to traffic, Danny was actually feeling pretty good. He'd spent most of Sunday helping Richard repair his tent, listening to stories about Richard's grandparents living on the island nearly a century ago. He'd helped Maddie with another sandcastle, and Tony had gotten him out on the ocean and taught him how to body surf without drowning.
Mostly without drowning. Danny didn't figure he'd be an expert for some time yet, but he'd actually enjoyed himself and he'd tentatively decided that maybe the following weekend he'd let Steve convince him to take Grace snorkeling. He was smiling at the thought, which worried him to no end. He quickly recited a list of all the things he missed about Jersey, from the pizza to the baseball to the ice and snow, reassuring himself that he hadn't lost his mind completely.
He'd just gone up the stairs from the side entrance at headquarters when he saw Kono walking towards him, a stack of papers and folders in her arms. He hurried over and took half of them, earning him a smile and an odd sort of sideways look.
Danny narrowed his eyes at her. "What's up?"
"Give me a hand filing these," was all she said, leading him towards the small room that had been set aside for storage.
Without much other choice, Danny followed her. He looked down at the papers and made a face. "I thought the modern age of computers was supposed to rid us of paperwork."
She grinned at him more cheerfully, though he noticed it seemed almost forced. Had she been a witness, he'd have pegged her for knowing something she shouldn't have. But she sounded normal enough as she laughed. "Not so much. Come on, help me file them. It won't take long with two of us."
Knowing he might as well give in, Danny followed her to 5-0's official filing room. It was a tiny space down the hall from their offices with four tall filing cabinets jammed together against one wall, and along the other side was all the supplies they kept for the office. Danny peered at the shelf, looking for more post-its, but again nobody had ordered them. He didn't even know who was responsible for ordering more; for all he knew it was his job and nobody had told him.
He set his stack on the top of one of the filing cabinets and picked up the paper on the top. "So, how was your weekend?" he asked, as Kono began slowly filing the first of her own pile.
"Good," she said, giving him a brief glance, and that odd look was back. "I met up with Ben."
There was a pause, and Danny tried to remember if Kono had said they were, or were not, dating. Or wanted to be. He didn't think they were, so that didn't explain the odd tone of her voice--
Danny dropped the paper he was holding and looked at her. Kono was watching him, a solemn expression on her face, almost accusatory, and Danny found he didn't even have to ask.
She said it, anyway. "We went up to the North Shore. You know, he keeps an eye on--"
"Don't," Danny begged. "Just, don't."
"Danny, I saw you," she said quietly. She stood still, her shoulders hunched just a bit forward and her voice still quiet like she didn't want to risk being overheard.
He wanted to laugh, or possibly cry. Like she was trying to keep this a secret, too. "Oh, God -- please, please tell me you didn't tell Steve."
She didn't say a word, her expression not giving anything away. Danny pressed a hand to his eyes, squeezing them shut and thinking, wildly, that maybe when he looked again she would be gone and he would be having a very bad dream.
"Danny," she said warningly, when he'd stood there trying to pretend the conversation wasn't happening.
"Please, Kono, just.... Can't you pretend you didn't see anything?" He knew how pathetic he sounded, and knew he wasn't doing anything to convince her. But he could hardly tell her the truth, despite the way she was standing between him and the door, looking like she wasn't going to let him out until he spilled everything.
"Tell me why."
He looked at her, and she'd folded her arms and was watching him, and it wasn't exactly like standing there with Kono, his friend. This was Kono, the cop, and he had no doubt at all that she would wring the information from him, whatever it took. The ultimate threat being to tell Steve, of course, and let him do the dirty work.
Danny fell back against the filing cabinet, suddenly feeling bonelessly tired. "I suppose it won't work if I ask you to keep this to yourself?"
There was a flash of guilt across her face, and Danny barely had time to register it before she said, "They already know."
Danny felt the blood rush from his face -- from his entire body, pooling in his feet and he didn't know if he was breathing or how he was even still standing.
Kono gave a sort of half-shrug and said, "I saw you yesterday, and I wanted to see if there was something wrong, why you hadn't told us. All I could think was maybe you were being blackmailed. So I asked Chin to help me look into it." She looked apologetic, then, and Danny could understand why. Instead of confronting him, she'd gone behind his back -- but then, given the type of work they did, it was actually a reasonable assumption for her to have made.
He just gave her a nod, not really finding it in him to be angry at her for that. He didn't want to hear the rest, but Kono just kept talking.
"We found your financial records," she said, and Danny knew. He closed his eyes and saw everything he'd tried so desperately to hide come crashing down into the open. She didn't have to say anything more. He knew they'd found out everything, and when he forced himself to look at her, all he saw was apology and sympathy. He almost would have preferred reproach, Danny thought. Being yelled at might have been easier to take.
"Where--" he stopped, had to swallow, then was barely able to force the question out. "Where are Steve and Chin?"
"Down the hall. Steve's waiting for you. I've been hanging out, filing and un-filing these, waiting for you to get here. I thought I could warn you, before you walked in." The look she gave him said she knew he'd be walking to his own funeral. Her hand jerked a little, like she'd wanted to reach out, reassure him, maybe. Danny didn't know if he wanted the support or wanted to -- well, what he wanted to do was run. He met her gaze, saw all the concern there and saw no hint of anger or betrayal.
He took a step towards the door and Kono moved aside to let him go. As he drew even with her she said, "You could have borrowed my couch."
He flinched, paused in mid-step, and couldn't look over because she was right, they both knew she was right and that made all of so much worse. He couldn't possibly say anything, so he simply forced himself to continue walking. He left the filing room and thought, in a detached sort of way, about turning to the right and walking down the stairs and out of the building. He could go, just climb in his car and drive.
He wouldn't get far. The island wasn't that big and before he got more than two miles away Steve would have the airports and ports shut down, citing some 5-0 emergency. He'd be detained by uniformed officers -- or worse, Steve would simply follow him, track him down no matter where he went and they would still have to have this conversation.
Danny didn't know if it was bravery or just exhaustion at the thought of running that made him head for the office. He saw Chin in the conference room as he walked in. Danny tried not to meet the other man's eyes but he saw, despite himself, the sympathetic look Chin was giving him. Danny didn't bother trying to talk to him. He should apologize, he knew, but he could see Steve waiting for him in his office. Danny walked directly over, went in and stood just inside the door, stepping aside just enough to lean back against the wall. He crossed his arms, knowing how defensive he looked but he figured he had every right to be. He'd screwed this up, he wouldn't deny it. He'd hoped he would've had time to fix everything before anyone found out.
Steve was standing on the other side of the office, watching Danny as he came in. For a long moment they both stood there, facing each other. Danny felt himself tensing more as each second passed and he wondered if it wasn't too late to run.
Steve would probably catch him before he got more than three steps down the hallway.
After another minute went by, Danny made himself look up from the spot on Steve's shirt where he'd been staring. He found Steve watching him and he was more than a little stunned to see the same sympathetic expression he'd seen from Chin and Kono. There was no sign of the anger that Steve had every right to be feeling. Hell, Danny was still braced for a screaming match and he had no earthly idea how to react to Steve being calm about this.
Now that he'd looked, he couldn't stop staring at Steve. Trapped between the wall and Steve's steady gaze, Danny couldn't move, couldn't speak, could barely even think. He realized suddenly that he was trembling, and he tried to make himself stop, gripping his arms tighter against his body, hands wrapped around his biceps, squeezing hard.
With a start, Steve moved -- and he was around the desk and coming towards him and Danny didn't have a chance before Steve had yanked him forward, away from the wall. And into Steve's arms, face against Steve's chest and Steve's arms tight around him, tighter even than he'd been holding himself. He could feel the heat of Steve's body through his cheek and against his arms now pinned between them. He couldn't move and felt completely trapped, but Steve was just holding him, one hand on Danny's head and the other on his back. It was like being dropped down a rabbit hole and waking up in a brand new world, though Danny would have said that happened the first day he'd woken up in his tent at the beach.
"God, Danny, you look like I'm about to have you taken out and shot. Or fired, or-- Jesus, Danny, why didn't you just tell me?" Steve's voice kept breaking as he spoke and for a moment Danny just pressed in harder against him, a few seconds' more reprieve before the shouting started.
It took him a moment to find his own voice, clear his throat so he could talk without choking. "I couldn't," was all he got out.
If Steve would just start yelling, he thought, maybe this would be easier.
"Danny," Steve said, then he stepped back -- still hanging onto Danny, hands on his arms just above Danny's own, and he managed somehow to slip his fingers underneath Danny's death-grip on himself. He looked down at Danny, and Danny was still having trouble looking away from him. He had so much he needed to apologize for, he knew it, but he couldn't make himself start.
"I couldn't," he managed again, and he was somehow finding it easier to breathe, which might make it easier, eventually, to talk.
"Why?" Steve asked, and it was the question Danny had been dreading, and expecting as soon as he'd walked in the door.
Danny just shook his head because the words weren't going to come, no matter how much he knew he had to say them. He pulled himself backwards and Steve let go of him, but he stepped to the side just a little, blocking Danny's escape. So Danny paced the other direction instead, towards the wall -- glass walls and he could see Chin and Kono near the outer doorway, obviously trying not to watch. Even as he looked, Chin was hustling Kono back, out of the office.
He didn't know if he appreciated the privacy, or wanted them around for protection when Steve tried to find a place to hide his body.
Except they were on Steve's side, weren't they? Danny lowered his head, felt the last vestiges of energy draining away. He simply couldn't fight it anymore. He wanted to curl up -- possibly with a bottle in a dark, depressing bar someplace. He didn't think Steve would give him one of the beers from the mini fridge he kept, so Danny just went over and sat down on the chair, and he stared at his hands as they dangled limp, between his knees.
Steve just stood by the door, and waited. Danny's thoughts kept swirling and he felt unable to form actual words much less complete sentences. He tried to focus, because Steve wasn't going to let him go until he'd explained, and he didn't think Steve would wait patiently for long.
"I couldn't," he said again, but he tried to find the next few words to give him. "I couldn't take you knowing."
"Because you were ashamed?" Steve asked, and it sounded like he already knew. Danny was grateful for that much, at least, that he didn't have to explain about pride and the sense of failure he'd been trying to deny.
Danny just nodded.
Steve stepped forward, then, and Danny almost glanced up but stopped himself, knowing he couldn't do this if he had to look Steve in the face. In a low, tight voice Steve asked, "Don't you know I would have done anything I could to help?" His fist was clenched as tightly as his voice and Danny wondered how hard he was fighting to hold himself back. Danny looked up at him, knowing it would be clear on his face how lost he felt. Steve just shook his head once, sharply, and said, "Danny, I would do anything for you, don't you get that? And something as serious as this -- you think I wouldn't have let you move in with me? Didn't you get how easy it was with you and Grace spending the weekend -- did I ever act like I didn't want you there?"
Danny couldn't control the waver in his own voice as he said, "I couldn't have you rescue me." He stood up as Steve jerked back as if he'd been slapped, and Danny saw the anger flash in Steve's eyes and now, finally, Danny felt the words spilling out. "You think it was easy for me to do this? When I knew you'd let me stay with you? But I couldn't, I couldn't let you do that. This isn't.. I don't..." Danny tried to corral his thoughts, resisting the urge to hit something and he blurted out, "I'm in love with you."
Steve blinked at him, frozen with his mouth open for a retort. Then he shook his head, bewildered. "I'm sorry, how does that mean you don't ask for my help?"
"How long before I start wondering if you let me move in because I needed a place? How long before you start wondering if I'm staying because I can't afford better?" He held up a hand against Steve's reply, shutting him up as the words kept coming, getting louder and louder now as everything inside of him tried to break free. "You think I liked living there? That I wanted to say hey, clever Danny, found a free place to live so he can pay his bills? You think I don't look forward to one night every two weeks when I get a hot shower and a breakfast made in a microwave and an actual mattress? It's hard, fucking hard, and I don't have a choice because if I told you you'd come swooping in and fix everything with a wave of your hand and then just how fucking worthless do you think that makes me?"
Danny stood still, feeling the echo of his shouting vibrating in his chest. His hand was still up, frozen in place from where he'd been waving and gesturing, wanting so badly to shove Steve aside and run, or put his fist through a pane of glass. For a moment there was silence and Danny could imagine his ears were ringing.
"Danny, it isn't," Steve began, and he stopped. Danny watched as he tried to think of what to say, or how to say it, or maybe he was just feeling a little stunned like Danny was.
Taking a deep breath, Danny spoke more calmly. "I'm not in physical danger. There are other people living in that camp, and they're good people. There aren't drug addicts or drunks, they keep the place clean and they help each other out. For all that it's a tent on a beach, it's a pretty damned decent place. It isn't a good option but it's the best I could do, and in a few months I'll have enough shit paid off I can move into an apartment somewhere. I know...what I'm doing," he finally said, knowing perfectly well that his choices weren't the best, nor ones Steve or the others could hardly approve of. But it could have been much worse, and Danny found that he felt not a little pride at how well he'd actually managed.
"You lied to me," Steve said, sounding like he was still groping to understand what Danny was saying. He still looked bewildered and hurt, and the anger was still there but it had banked just enough that Danny thought maybe they could get through this without bloodshed.
"I did." Danny couldn't deny it, wouldn't try. "I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. But I knew if I said anything, you'd do exactly this -- jump in and try to fix things and...take the last of my control over my life away from me." Danny spread his hands, knowing he had nothing else he could offer to explain.
They stood in silence for several long moments and Danny found he was content to wait. He had no idea what Steve was going to do and he honestly didn't know what he wanted him to do. But it was out, and Steve knew the truth, and Danny felt weirdly lighter for it all.
After another moment Steve's face grew determined. "You're not going back there." Danny just shrugged, because he didn't have any idea who was going to win this argument. Steve glared. "I could buy your house."
Danny gaped at him. "Excuse me?"
"We know that you still own your house and that's part of what's causing problems. My dad's house is paid for and I can afford--"
"There is no way in hell you are buying my house." Danny found himself clenching his fists again and he glared right back because there was absolutely, positively, no fucking way.
"Why not? It'd get rid of your mortgage and then you could afford a place sooner. That's what you want, right? Since you won't move in with me?" Steve made it sound like he was actually offering a reasonable solution.
Danny wanted to beat him over the head with a very large stick. "What part of do not rescue me do you not understand? You cannot buy my house. You can't wrangle some anonymous agent to buy it for you. You cannot find some old Navy buddy who's retiring and talk him into moving to Jersey. You will not do this, McGarrett. Not if you want me to talk to you ever again for my entire life."
Steve looked genuinely hurt. "Why not?"
Nearly growling, Danny said, "Do you think I could stand to be with someone who would humiliate me like that?"
Again Steve's head jerked back in surprise. Danny wanted to drop his head into his hands because, no, Steve clearly hadn't realized any of this. He saw a problem and leapt in, guns firing, and didn't think about the consequences.
Danny took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "I appreciate you want to help, I really do. And I won't pretend part of me isn't desperate for something. But...I can't. I can't...." He had to stop again, corralling his thoughts before he could continue. "I know, pride goes before a fall. But I'm not going to fall, here. It's... hard and not pleasant and it isn't society's idea of a successful lifestyle. I get that, and I get that you want to help. I do, I really do. But all I can tell you is if you do this, if you buy that house or throw money at me or make my bills mysteriously go away -- I would never be able to look you in the face. And I love you. Which is why I couldn't tell you."
Danny fell silent, staring down at the floor. He knew that it was possible -- likely, even -- he'd made no sense at all, and that Steve was just going to go ahead, full-speed, and do whatever it took to get Danny out of trouble. Only Danny found he believed what he'd said, about how living at that camp wasn't all that bad, considering. Even if he was tired all the time, and had no money for little things like a bag of fast food for lunch, he'd made the best choices he could and it wasn't going to last for very long. Five or six months, tops, and he'd have one of his medical bills paid off and he'd have enough he could look for a place with a roommate, maybe, and start paying his way again.
"I love you, too." Steve's voice was quiet and it made Danny's head pop up. Steve was looking at him with a mixture of sadness and something else. It almost looked like the edge of that goofy fondness which Danny had grown so used to seeing Steve send his way.
Danny narrowed his eyes. "And?"
"And I won't... do anything to humiliate you, Danny, even if I don't agree that it should be." He held up a hand to forestall Danny's interruption, which Danny hadn't realized he was about to make until then. "But I accept you feel that way. So I promise, I won't 'swoop in' and rescue you."
There was a brief pause, and Danny clarified, "Unless someone is shooting at me. Then, you have permission."
Steve grinned and the sudden change in his entire posture was startling. "Got it. Shooting, yes. Buying your house, no." Then he cleared his throat and said, "But then you're moving in with Kono or Chin." He gave Danny a nearly smug look, but not so blatant that Danny felt compelled to smack him.
Danny sighed. "I sort of figured." He hadn't really expected they'd let him just go back to the camp and live there while he paid things off. Neither of them had much room, but he had to admit if positions were reversed, he would have crammed any of them into his own tiny apartment and not complained.
"Danny," Steve began, and he stepped closer, stopping just half a foot away. "Is this why...do you still--" He stopped again and Danny just raised an eyebrow, because he didn't speak fluent Steve McGarrett and he honestly had no clue what the other man was trying to say. Steve just made a frustrated noise, then he swooped in, leaning down and kissing him.
And it was, in fact, exactly how Danny had imagined. Strong and demanding, and it was simple to let himself melt into the kiss, opening his mouth and just letting Steve inside. Steve's hand came up to cup the back of his head and Danny let himself relax into the embrace. He felt himself relaxing for the first time in forever and when the kiss ended he could only smile.
Steve gave him a very definitely smug look in return and Danny just laughed. Then he yanked Steve back down for another kiss.
~~~
The make-out session ended when Chin and Kono came back into the office, neither of them looking terribly surprised at what they were interrupting. Danny felt more embarrassed when they all dragged him out of the office and drove up to the North Shore, piling his stuff into Steve's truck right then and there. Danny left the tent and cot, and spent nearly half an hour saying good bye to people. Maddie had clung to his pants leg, asking him if he didn't want to stay long enough to build just one more sandcastle. He'd promised her to try to return, just to visit, and he pretended not to have seen the look on Steve's face before he got the word 'visit' out.
They took him back to Honolulu and somehow they'd managed to make a decision without him being consulted. They went directly to Chin's place, where it didn't take long for Danny to get settled as he'd got rid of most of his stuff before. Chin set him up in the den, promising that the sofa was more comfortable than it looked, though Kono was already calling around to find someone with a twin bed they could borrow.
Steve had said nothing the entire time other than to say that on his weekends with Grace, Danny would still be staying with him. It wasn't quite a question, but Danny didn't want to argue. He felt badly about imposing on Chin -- despite the repeated insistence that he wasn't -- but inflicting the company of a nine year old as well as himself in the small house Chin lived in, well, Danny didn't really mind inflicting himself and his daughter on Steve, all things considered.
As soon as the last of Danny's crap was shoved into closets and corners, Steve announced that they had real work to be doing and shouldn't somebody be out there catching criminals already. As a distraction it was welcome, though Danny wasn't really looking forward to spending the day with Steve, with everything out in the open.
Or it could have just been that he'd kissed him and knew now what it was like. Spending the day not kissing him some more was going to be very, very tough. But Danny knew his nerves really couldn't take much more, and even as he sat in Steve's truck while they drove around town catching up on the most recent locations of their least favorite drug dealers, Danny wanted nothing more than to find a soft spot and go to sleep.
He was surprised, to say the least, when he opened his eyes to find them parked at Steve's house. His neck was sore and his eyes were gritty, like he'd been asleep for some time but a glance at his watch said it had only been twenty minutes. He glanced over and saw Steve just switching the engine off then he turned and met Danny's gaze. "Are we on the clock, McGarrett?" Danny asked, trying for a warning tone but ruining it with a huge yawn in the middle.
Steve just smiled, and there was that goofy fond look once more. "We're breaking off early." It seemed like he was about to say more, but then he just got out of the truck, letting Danny scramble after him. Danny's head felt like a sack of wet concrete had been poured into his brain cavity; he managed to follow Steve into the house, then Steve took his arm and steered him towards the guest room he used when he and Grace stayed over.
Danny didn't fight as Steve steered him all the way to the bed, and gave him a gentle nudge. Danny waited until he'd bounced off the mattress once, face half-buried in the sheets. "You trying to tell me something?" he mumbled.
Steve gave a soft laugh. "Get some rest, Danno. You look trashed."
Wrestling a hand free to flip him off was too much effort, so Danny just closed his eyes again and let himself drift away.
~~~
on to part five
For the next two weeks, everything seemed to be fine. He caught Chin and Kono giving him weirdly sympathetic looks now and again, and once Kono patted him on the arm and looked for all the world like she'd wanted to give him a supportive hug. Steve stopped stalking Danny around the office or lying in wait to try to spring questions on him. Once or twice he'd actually backed off when he seemed to think he might be pushing. It was all sort of annoying, and seriously Steve's behavior was bordering on sort of cute, which made Danny think that he had it really, really bad. The only part that bothered him was how he'd still catch Steve watching him with a thoughtful expression, like he was seeing something Danny wasn't prepared to reveal. He didn't think it was a coincidence that on Friday Steve announced it was 5-0 Pizza Day and bought the team pies and drinks -- with an entire large, cheese-only pizza left over that Danny somehow ended up being the one to take home.
He'd been popular with the kids at the camp that night as he'd shared it with them, tearing the slices into halves and thirds to make sure it went around. The impromptu party had gone a long way towards making him feel like he wasn't a total outsider. It had also helped his overall mood that he'd been able to stop at the surplus store and give Kaimi the money he owed him. It made him skint again, but he preferred having as few debts hanging over his head as he could possibly manage.
All in all, Danny was relieved that his life away from work was settling down into routines that made it easier to bear. He'd even found it easy -- or just bearable -- to accept Steve's offer when the other man had casually asked, the Tuesday before Danny had Grace again, if his neighbors were still fighting. Danny had felt all kinds of guilt, and had had to shove down the feeling that he'd finally failed to be any kind of decent father. But he'd said yes, and he'd taken Grace back to Steve's place for the weekend.
Steve hadn't asked for a grocery list that time and Danny had found the junk food hidden in the cabinets, but he'd just shoved them back where Grace might not notice them and didn't say a word. He'd slept on a real bed down the hall from Steve, and he'd said nothing when Steve pulled out his wallet every time they went out to eat, burgers and barbecue and even lasagna. Steve had accused him of making obscene noises during lunch while he'd eaten it and Danny had simply flipped him off while Grace wasn't looking.
Danny was able to keep the entertainment down to a dull roar, one trip to the movies and the rest of the weekend was spent on the beach at Steve's place, and when Sunday night rolled around again Grace had been just as delighted with her visit and had hugged him just as hard as every other time Danny dropped her off.
He didn't know how long it would work before Steve got tired or suspicious, but there were two whole weeks before he had to worry about it. If Grace had been younger, he would have simply taken her back to the camp with him, told her they were camping out and she wouldn't have been the wiser. But he knew she was too old for that sort of deception now; she'd notice that the tents were lived in, not vacation spots. And she'd play with the other kids and they would tell her things and unless Danny was willing to teach her to lie to her mother, there would be no way Danny could prevent Rachel from finding out.
And that would end his visitation right there, he had no doubt. But he did a little figuring, and he'd decided he could afford, now, to alternate a weekend in a modest hotel with a weekend at Steve's -- or more, if Steve got tired of having them over. But he was completely determined to not worry about it for the time being and simply let himself if not relax, then at least stop jumping out of his skin every time someone walked into the room.
By the time he walked into Iolani Palace on Monday morning, only a little late due to traffic, Danny was actually feeling pretty good. He'd spent most of Sunday helping Richard repair his tent, listening to stories about Richard's grandparents living on the island nearly a century ago. He'd helped Maddie with another sandcastle, and Tony had gotten him out on the ocean and taught him how to body surf without drowning.
Mostly without drowning. Danny didn't figure he'd be an expert for some time yet, but he'd actually enjoyed himself and he'd tentatively decided that maybe the following weekend he'd let Steve convince him to take Grace snorkeling. He was smiling at the thought, which worried him to no end. He quickly recited a list of all the things he missed about Jersey, from the pizza to the baseball to the ice and snow, reassuring himself that he hadn't lost his mind completely.
He'd just gone up the stairs from the side entrance at headquarters when he saw Kono walking towards him, a stack of papers and folders in her arms. He hurried over and took half of them, earning him a smile and an odd sort of sideways look.
Danny narrowed his eyes at her. "What's up?"
"Give me a hand filing these," was all she said, leading him towards the small room that had been set aside for storage.
Without much other choice, Danny followed her. He looked down at the papers and made a face. "I thought the modern age of computers was supposed to rid us of paperwork."
She grinned at him more cheerfully, though he noticed it seemed almost forced. Had she been a witness, he'd have pegged her for knowing something she shouldn't have. But she sounded normal enough as she laughed. "Not so much. Come on, help me file them. It won't take long with two of us."
Knowing he might as well give in, Danny followed her to 5-0's official filing room. It was a tiny space down the hall from their offices with four tall filing cabinets jammed together against one wall, and along the other side was all the supplies they kept for the office. Danny peered at the shelf, looking for more post-its, but again nobody had ordered them. He didn't even know who was responsible for ordering more; for all he knew it was his job and nobody had told him.
He set his stack on the top of one of the filing cabinets and picked up the paper on the top. "So, how was your weekend?" he asked, as Kono began slowly filing the first of her own pile.
"Good," she said, giving him a brief glance, and that odd look was back. "I met up with Ben."
There was a pause, and Danny tried to remember if Kono had said they were, or were not, dating. Or wanted to be. He didn't think they were, so that didn't explain the odd tone of her voice--
Danny dropped the paper he was holding and looked at her. Kono was watching him, a solemn expression on her face, almost accusatory, and Danny found he didn't even have to ask.
She said it, anyway. "We went up to the North Shore. You know, he keeps an eye on--"
"Don't," Danny begged. "Just, don't."
"Danny, I saw you," she said quietly. She stood still, her shoulders hunched just a bit forward and her voice still quiet like she didn't want to risk being overheard.
He wanted to laugh, or possibly cry. Like she was trying to keep this a secret, too. "Oh, God -- please, please tell me you didn't tell Steve."
She didn't say a word, her expression not giving anything away. Danny pressed a hand to his eyes, squeezing them shut and thinking, wildly, that maybe when he looked again she would be gone and he would be having a very bad dream.
"Danny," she said warningly, when he'd stood there trying to pretend the conversation wasn't happening.
"Please, Kono, just.... Can't you pretend you didn't see anything?" He knew how pathetic he sounded, and knew he wasn't doing anything to convince her. But he could hardly tell her the truth, despite the way she was standing between him and the door, looking like she wasn't going to let him out until he spilled everything.
"Tell me why."
He looked at her, and she'd folded her arms and was watching him, and it wasn't exactly like standing there with Kono, his friend. This was Kono, the cop, and he had no doubt at all that she would wring the information from him, whatever it took. The ultimate threat being to tell Steve, of course, and let him do the dirty work.
Danny fell back against the filing cabinet, suddenly feeling bonelessly tired. "I suppose it won't work if I ask you to keep this to yourself?"
There was a flash of guilt across her face, and Danny barely had time to register it before she said, "They already know."
Danny felt the blood rush from his face -- from his entire body, pooling in his feet and he didn't know if he was breathing or how he was even still standing.
Kono gave a sort of half-shrug and said, "I saw you yesterday, and I wanted to see if there was something wrong, why you hadn't told us. All I could think was maybe you were being blackmailed. So I asked Chin to help me look into it." She looked apologetic, then, and Danny could understand why. Instead of confronting him, she'd gone behind his back -- but then, given the type of work they did, it was actually a reasonable assumption for her to have made.
He just gave her a nod, not really finding it in him to be angry at her for that. He didn't want to hear the rest, but Kono just kept talking.
"We found your financial records," she said, and Danny knew. He closed his eyes and saw everything he'd tried so desperately to hide come crashing down into the open. She didn't have to say anything more. He knew they'd found out everything, and when he forced himself to look at her, all he saw was apology and sympathy. He almost would have preferred reproach, Danny thought. Being yelled at might have been easier to take.
"Where--" he stopped, had to swallow, then was barely able to force the question out. "Where are Steve and Chin?"
"Down the hall. Steve's waiting for you. I've been hanging out, filing and un-filing these, waiting for you to get here. I thought I could warn you, before you walked in." The look she gave him said she knew he'd be walking to his own funeral. Her hand jerked a little, like she'd wanted to reach out, reassure him, maybe. Danny didn't know if he wanted the support or wanted to -- well, what he wanted to do was run. He met her gaze, saw all the concern there and saw no hint of anger or betrayal.
He took a step towards the door and Kono moved aside to let him go. As he drew even with her she said, "You could have borrowed my couch."
He flinched, paused in mid-step, and couldn't look over because she was right, they both knew she was right and that made all of so much worse. He couldn't possibly say anything, so he simply forced himself to continue walking. He left the filing room and thought, in a detached sort of way, about turning to the right and walking down the stairs and out of the building. He could go, just climb in his car and drive.
He wouldn't get far. The island wasn't that big and before he got more than two miles away Steve would have the airports and ports shut down, citing some 5-0 emergency. He'd be detained by uniformed officers -- or worse, Steve would simply follow him, track him down no matter where he went and they would still have to have this conversation.
Danny didn't know if it was bravery or just exhaustion at the thought of running that made him head for the office. He saw Chin in the conference room as he walked in. Danny tried not to meet the other man's eyes but he saw, despite himself, the sympathetic look Chin was giving him. Danny didn't bother trying to talk to him. He should apologize, he knew, but he could see Steve waiting for him in his office. Danny walked directly over, went in and stood just inside the door, stepping aside just enough to lean back against the wall. He crossed his arms, knowing how defensive he looked but he figured he had every right to be. He'd screwed this up, he wouldn't deny it. He'd hoped he would've had time to fix everything before anyone found out.
Steve was standing on the other side of the office, watching Danny as he came in. For a long moment they both stood there, facing each other. Danny felt himself tensing more as each second passed and he wondered if it wasn't too late to run.
Steve would probably catch him before he got more than three steps down the hallway.
After another minute went by, Danny made himself look up from the spot on Steve's shirt where he'd been staring. He found Steve watching him and he was more than a little stunned to see the same sympathetic expression he'd seen from Chin and Kono. There was no sign of the anger that Steve had every right to be feeling. Hell, Danny was still braced for a screaming match and he had no earthly idea how to react to Steve being calm about this.
Now that he'd looked, he couldn't stop staring at Steve. Trapped between the wall and Steve's steady gaze, Danny couldn't move, couldn't speak, could barely even think. He realized suddenly that he was trembling, and he tried to make himself stop, gripping his arms tighter against his body, hands wrapped around his biceps, squeezing hard.
With a start, Steve moved -- and he was around the desk and coming towards him and Danny didn't have a chance before Steve had yanked him forward, away from the wall. And into Steve's arms, face against Steve's chest and Steve's arms tight around him, tighter even than he'd been holding himself. He could feel the heat of Steve's body through his cheek and against his arms now pinned between them. He couldn't move and felt completely trapped, but Steve was just holding him, one hand on Danny's head and the other on his back. It was like being dropped down a rabbit hole and waking up in a brand new world, though Danny would have said that happened the first day he'd woken up in his tent at the beach.
"God, Danny, you look like I'm about to have you taken out and shot. Or fired, or-- Jesus, Danny, why didn't you just tell me?" Steve's voice kept breaking as he spoke and for a moment Danny just pressed in harder against him, a few seconds' more reprieve before the shouting started.
It took him a moment to find his own voice, clear his throat so he could talk without choking. "I couldn't," was all he got out.
If Steve would just start yelling, he thought, maybe this would be easier.
"Danny," Steve said, then he stepped back -- still hanging onto Danny, hands on his arms just above Danny's own, and he managed somehow to slip his fingers underneath Danny's death-grip on himself. He looked down at Danny, and Danny was still having trouble looking away from him. He had so much he needed to apologize for, he knew it, but he couldn't make himself start.
"I couldn't," he managed again, and he was somehow finding it easier to breathe, which might make it easier, eventually, to talk.
"Why?" Steve asked, and it was the question Danny had been dreading, and expecting as soon as he'd walked in the door.
Danny just shook his head because the words weren't going to come, no matter how much he knew he had to say them. He pulled himself backwards and Steve let go of him, but he stepped to the side just a little, blocking Danny's escape. So Danny paced the other direction instead, towards the wall -- glass walls and he could see Chin and Kono near the outer doorway, obviously trying not to watch. Even as he looked, Chin was hustling Kono back, out of the office.
He didn't know if he appreciated the privacy, or wanted them around for protection when Steve tried to find a place to hide his body.
Except they were on Steve's side, weren't they? Danny lowered his head, felt the last vestiges of energy draining away. He simply couldn't fight it anymore. He wanted to curl up -- possibly with a bottle in a dark, depressing bar someplace. He didn't think Steve would give him one of the beers from the mini fridge he kept, so Danny just went over and sat down on the chair, and he stared at his hands as they dangled limp, between his knees.
Steve just stood by the door, and waited. Danny's thoughts kept swirling and he felt unable to form actual words much less complete sentences. He tried to focus, because Steve wasn't going to let him go until he'd explained, and he didn't think Steve would wait patiently for long.
"I couldn't," he said again, but he tried to find the next few words to give him. "I couldn't take you knowing."
"Because you were ashamed?" Steve asked, and it sounded like he already knew. Danny was grateful for that much, at least, that he didn't have to explain about pride and the sense of failure he'd been trying to deny.
Danny just nodded.
Steve stepped forward, then, and Danny almost glanced up but stopped himself, knowing he couldn't do this if he had to look Steve in the face. In a low, tight voice Steve asked, "Don't you know I would have done anything I could to help?" His fist was clenched as tightly as his voice and Danny wondered how hard he was fighting to hold himself back. Danny looked up at him, knowing it would be clear on his face how lost he felt. Steve just shook his head once, sharply, and said, "Danny, I would do anything for you, don't you get that? And something as serious as this -- you think I wouldn't have let you move in with me? Didn't you get how easy it was with you and Grace spending the weekend -- did I ever act like I didn't want you there?"
Danny couldn't control the waver in his own voice as he said, "I couldn't have you rescue me." He stood up as Steve jerked back as if he'd been slapped, and Danny saw the anger flash in Steve's eyes and now, finally, Danny felt the words spilling out. "You think it was easy for me to do this? When I knew you'd let me stay with you? But I couldn't, I couldn't let you do that. This isn't.. I don't..." Danny tried to corral his thoughts, resisting the urge to hit something and he blurted out, "I'm in love with you."
Steve blinked at him, frozen with his mouth open for a retort. Then he shook his head, bewildered. "I'm sorry, how does that mean you don't ask for my help?"
"How long before I start wondering if you let me move in because I needed a place? How long before you start wondering if I'm staying because I can't afford better?" He held up a hand against Steve's reply, shutting him up as the words kept coming, getting louder and louder now as everything inside of him tried to break free. "You think I liked living there? That I wanted to say hey, clever Danny, found a free place to live so he can pay his bills? You think I don't look forward to one night every two weeks when I get a hot shower and a breakfast made in a microwave and an actual mattress? It's hard, fucking hard, and I don't have a choice because if I told you you'd come swooping in and fix everything with a wave of your hand and then just how fucking worthless do you think that makes me?"
Danny stood still, feeling the echo of his shouting vibrating in his chest. His hand was still up, frozen in place from where he'd been waving and gesturing, wanting so badly to shove Steve aside and run, or put his fist through a pane of glass. For a moment there was silence and Danny could imagine his ears were ringing.
"Danny, it isn't," Steve began, and he stopped. Danny watched as he tried to think of what to say, or how to say it, or maybe he was just feeling a little stunned like Danny was.
Taking a deep breath, Danny spoke more calmly. "I'm not in physical danger. There are other people living in that camp, and they're good people. There aren't drug addicts or drunks, they keep the place clean and they help each other out. For all that it's a tent on a beach, it's a pretty damned decent place. It isn't a good option but it's the best I could do, and in a few months I'll have enough shit paid off I can move into an apartment somewhere. I know...what I'm doing," he finally said, knowing perfectly well that his choices weren't the best, nor ones Steve or the others could hardly approve of. But it could have been much worse, and Danny found that he felt not a little pride at how well he'd actually managed.
"You lied to me," Steve said, sounding like he was still groping to understand what Danny was saying. He still looked bewildered and hurt, and the anger was still there but it had banked just enough that Danny thought maybe they could get through this without bloodshed.
"I did." Danny couldn't deny it, wouldn't try. "I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. But I knew if I said anything, you'd do exactly this -- jump in and try to fix things and...take the last of my control over my life away from me." Danny spread his hands, knowing he had nothing else he could offer to explain.
They stood in silence for several long moments and Danny found he was content to wait. He had no idea what Steve was going to do and he honestly didn't know what he wanted him to do. But it was out, and Steve knew the truth, and Danny felt weirdly lighter for it all.
After another moment Steve's face grew determined. "You're not going back there." Danny just shrugged, because he didn't have any idea who was going to win this argument. Steve glared. "I could buy your house."
Danny gaped at him. "Excuse me?"
"We know that you still own your house and that's part of what's causing problems. My dad's house is paid for and I can afford--"
"There is no way in hell you are buying my house." Danny found himself clenching his fists again and he glared right back because there was absolutely, positively, no fucking way.
"Why not? It'd get rid of your mortgage and then you could afford a place sooner. That's what you want, right? Since you won't move in with me?" Steve made it sound like he was actually offering a reasonable solution.
Danny wanted to beat him over the head with a very large stick. "What part of do not rescue me do you not understand? You cannot buy my house. You can't wrangle some anonymous agent to buy it for you. You cannot find some old Navy buddy who's retiring and talk him into moving to Jersey. You will not do this, McGarrett. Not if you want me to talk to you ever again for my entire life."
Steve looked genuinely hurt. "Why not?"
Nearly growling, Danny said, "Do you think I could stand to be with someone who would humiliate me like that?"
Again Steve's head jerked back in surprise. Danny wanted to drop his head into his hands because, no, Steve clearly hadn't realized any of this. He saw a problem and leapt in, guns firing, and didn't think about the consequences.
Danny took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "I appreciate you want to help, I really do. And I won't pretend part of me isn't desperate for something. But...I can't. I can't...." He had to stop again, corralling his thoughts before he could continue. "I know, pride goes before a fall. But I'm not going to fall, here. It's... hard and not pleasant and it isn't society's idea of a successful lifestyle. I get that, and I get that you want to help. I do, I really do. But all I can tell you is if you do this, if you buy that house or throw money at me or make my bills mysteriously go away -- I would never be able to look you in the face. And I love you. Which is why I couldn't tell you."
Danny fell silent, staring down at the floor. He knew that it was possible -- likely, even -- he'd made no sense at all, and that Steve was just going to go ahead, full-speed, and do whatever it took to get Danny out of trouble. Only Danny found he believed what he'd said, about how living at that camp wasn't all that bad, considering. Even if he was tired all the time, and had no money for little things like a bag of fast food for lunch, he'd made the best choices he could and it wasn't going to last for very long. Five or six months, tops, and he'd have one of his medical bills paid off and he'd have enough he could look for a place with a roommate, maybe, and start paying his way again.
"I love you, too." Steve's voice was quiet and it made Danny's head pop up. Steve was looking at him with a mixture of sadness and something else. It almost looked like the edge of that goofy fondness which Danny had grown so used to seeing Steve send his way.
Danny narrowed his eyes. "And?"
"And I won't... do anything to humiliate you, Danny, even if I don't agree that it should be." He held up a hand to forestall Danny's interruption, which Danny hadn't realized he was about to make until then. "But I accept you feel that way. So I promise, I won't 'swoop in' and rescue you."
There was a brief pause, and Danny clarified, "Unless someone is shooting at me. Then, you have permission."
Steve grinned and the sudden change in his entire posture was startling. "Got it. Shooting, yes. Buying your house, no." Then he cleared his throat and said, "But then you're moving in with Kono or Chin." He gave Danny a nearly smug look, but not so blatant that Danny felt compelled to smack him.
Danny sighed. "I sort of figured." He hadn't really expected they'd let him just go back to the camp and live there while he paid things off. Neither of them had much room, but he had to admit if positions were reversed, he would have crammed any of them into his own tiny apartment and not complained.
"Danny," Steve began, and he stepped closer, stopping just half a foot away. "Is this why...do you still--" He stopped again and Danny just raised an eyebrow, because he didn't speak fluent Steve McGarrett and he honestly had no clue what the other man was trying to say. Steve just made a frustrated noise, then he swooped in, leaning down and kissing him.
And it was, in fact, exactly how Danny had imagined. Strong and demanding, and it was simple to let himself melt into the kiss, opening his mouth and just letting Steve inside. Steve's hand came up to cup the back of his head and Danny let himself relax into the embrace. He felt himself relaxing for the first time in forever and when the kiss ended he could only smile.
Steve gave him a very definitely smug look in return and Danny just laughed. Then he yanked Steve back down for another kiss.
~~~
The make-out session ended when Chin and Kono came back into the office, neither of them looking terribly surprised at what they were interrupting. Danny felt more embarrassed when they all dragged him out of the office and drove up to the North Shore, piling his stuff into Steve's truck right then and there. Danny left the tent and cot, and spent nearly half an hour saying good bye to people. Maddie had clung to his pants leg, asking him if he didn't want to stay long enough to build just one more sandcastle. He'd promised her to try to return, just to visit, and he pretended not to have seen the look on Steve's face before he got the word 'visit' out.
They took him back to Honolulu and somehow they'd managed to make a decision without him being consulted. They went directly to Chin's place, where it didn't take long for Danny to get settled as he'd got rid of most of his stuff before. Chin set him up in the den, promising that the sofa was more comfortable than it looked, though Kono was already calling around to find someone with a twin bed they could borrow.
Steve had said nothing the entire time other than to say that on his weekends with Grace, Danny would still be staying with him. It wasn't quite a question, but Danny didn't want to argue. He felt badly about imposing on Chin -- despite the repeated insistence that he wasn't -- but inflicting the company of a nine year old as well as himself in the small house Chin lived in, well, Danny didn't really mind inflicting himself and his daughter on Steve, all things considered.
As soon as the last of Danny's crap was shoved into closets and corners, Steve announced that they had real work to be doing and shouldn't somebody be out there catching criminals already. As a distraction it was welcome, though Danny wasn't really looking forward to spending the day with Steve, with everything out in the open.
Or it could have just been that he'd kissed him and knew now what it was like. Spending the day not kissing him some more was going to be very, very tough. But Danny knew his nerves really couldn't take much more, and even as he sat in Steve's truck while they drove around town catching up on the most recent locations of their least favorite drug dealers, Danny wanted nothing more than to find a soft spot and go to sleep.
He was surprised, to say the least, when he opened his eyes to find them parked at Steve's house. His neck was sore and his eyes were gritty, like he'd been asleep for some time but a glance at his watch said it had only been twenty minutes. He glanced over and saw Steve just switching the engine off then he turned and met Danny's gaze. "Are we on the clock, McGarrett?" Danny asked, trying for a warning tone but ruining it with a huge yawn in the middle.
Steve just smiled, and there was that goofy fond look once more. "We're breaking off early." It seemed like he was about to say more, but then he just got out of the truck, letting Danny scramble after him. Danny's head felt like a sack of wet concrete had been poured into his brain cavity; he managed to follow Steve into the house, then Steve took his arm and steered him towards the guest room he used when he and Grace stayed over.
Danny didn't fight as Steve steered him all the way to the bed, and gave him a gentle nudge. Danny waited until he'd bounced off the mattress once, face half-buried in the sheets. "You trying to tell me something?" he mumbled.
Steve gave a soft laugh. "Get some rest, Danno. You look trashed."
Wrestling a hand free to flip him off was too much effort, so Danny just closed his eyes again and let himself drift away.
~~~
on to part five