Lost at the Edge of the Sun, 3/5
Feb. 9th, 2011 02:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gilascaveContinued from part two
In the end he drove back to the camp and alternated tossing and turning on his cot with sitting outside and listening to Richard, and corralling some of the younger kids to give their parents a break. He didn't get much rest, but he stayed busy which kept his mind occupied which prevented him from walking off into the trees and screaming. When he drove back to Honolulu he tried to think about the case, and not about Steve.
Chin had a bag of sandwiches and a thermos of coffee when Danny picked him up. Chin didn't talk as Danny drove, and for the first ten minutes he told himself it was a nice change of pace from arguing with Steve about how normal people behaved and what constituted good music.
Then he remembered all the stakeouts he'd been on with George Franklin back in Jersey. Franklin never said a word if he could help it. Even when he was talking to witnesses or questioning suspects he somehow managed to say next to nothing. Being on stakeout with him was enough to make a person chew his arm off, just to have something to do. Danny had managed to survive, mostly by being good enough at Friday night poker games that he won his way out of it, gleefully cashing in IOUs for stakeouts whenever Franklin's name came up.
He didn't think Chin would be that bad, but he had no honest idea. He did glance over, maybe once or twice, to see if Chin seemed lost in thought or like he was about to say something. Each time Chin was just looking ahead, or working on his smartphone. Danny didn't know if it was the casefiles or something else, but it did remind him that he had Tetris on his phone in case of emergencies. Luckily he also had a charger for his phone in the car, so if midnight came around and it was four more hours of Tetris or start chewing, he could at least have a fighting chance at preserving his limbs.
A few minutes later Danny pulled into a spot behind a semi-deserted store front. They gathered their stuff and headed upstairs to the storage room that faced Andrew Dickerson's place. The two officers who'd been watching the place all day looked ecstatic to see their relief show up; Danny didn't want to think about what that meant for their own level of boredom come morning. There wasn't even a place to sack out; two chairs and a folding card table were the extent of the furnishings. One chair was set up at the window with the surveillance gear and the other was at the table where cards were spread out in a game of solitaire.
Danny had a feeling that by morning he was going to hate Tetris.
The two officers gave their quick rundown of the activity in the house, which amounted to 'nothing, he's been quiet all afternoon.' Then they left, and Danny sat down to take the first watch. He had a clear view of the backyard and Dickerson who was milling about and looking like he was getting ready to grill something. Danny's stomach threatened to rumble at the thought of a thick, juicy grilled steak. It was not completely lost on Danny that every meal he'd had for the last few weeks was either cold, or grilled over a open flame. But that was all fish, as the fishermen and women in the camp happily shared their bounty with him in exchange for all of Danny's babysitting. But he was frankly growing tired of fish and rice for practically every meal; unfortunately steak was out of his budget for the foreseeable future.
It was easy to imagine Dickerson grilling up a thick, juicy steak served with baked potatoes and a cold bottle of beer and Danny frantically tried to think about something else before he charged over there and arrested Dickerson just so he could confiscate his supper. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chin putting his phone away. Chin looked over, and Danny caught the expression on his face and all he could think was, Oh, shit.
Chin said, "Steve wants me to talk to you. Would you rather do it now and get it over with or do you want to put it off until later?"
Danny wanted to bang his forehead against the window sill. Of course that sneaky fucking SEAL bastard had gone behind his back and blindsided him. "I'll kill him," Danny said mildly, because really, he shouldn't be surprised.
There was a pause then, "Is that a 'now', or a 'later'?"
Danny gave a laugh of the sort he completely didn't feel. "Now, now's fine. Otherwise I'll start climbing the walls wondering when you're gonna ask. So, did he give you any parameters or did he just say 'torture Danny for me since I won't be there'?"
"He's worried about you. We all are," Chin said, and he sounded utterly serious. Sounded worried, Danny had to admit, and he risked a glance over, not convinced Chin wouldn't read everything in his eyes or tattooed on his forehead or something.
"Why would you be worried?" he tried, forcing a casual tone that didn't sound remotely sincere.
Chin just shrugged. "You tell me, brah. You've been...tense, lately. Quiet. That's not like you." There was a ghost of a smile that Danny found himself returning, despite himself. Then Chin looked serious again as he asked, "Is Rachel hassling you about Grace?"
"No, no -- Grace is wonderful and Rachel is actually being civilized for a change. Sort of. We don't actually exchange words, but the glares I feel through the airwaves seem much more mellow." Danny shifted back in his chair a little, keeping an eye on Dickerson as he talked. Definitely grilling something, though Danny couldn't make out what. From the size of the covered plate he wondered if someone else was coming over or if Dickerson just ate like a horse.
There was silence, then, and Danny knew Chin was just waiting for him. It wasn't like he needed leading questions to know what was bothering him, but there was no way in hell he intended to tell Chin any of it. He had his mouth open to say it was nothing, feed him some bullshit about stress and work and he'd promise to be his usual self from then on. All he could do was shake his head, though, because if he couldn't say it like he meant it, it would be worse than saying nothing at all.
Another moment went by before Chin said, "If it's none of my business, then that's cool. As long as you talk to Steve." The unspoken threat was no real threat: if Steve had put Chin up to this, then clearly he was making plans. If Danny didn't talk, then Steve would try something else until finally everything Danny needed to keep hidden came spilling out into the open.
Danny shook his head. "Steve--" Was an idiot, he wanted to say, even though in this case it wasn't specifically true. He only realized how he'd choked on Steve's name when there was a light touch on his shoulder.
"Steve's the problem?" Chin sounded calm, understanding, and Danny had to remind himself that Chin had years of experience at interviewing suspects and getting them to confess.
"I don't want talk about it," Danny said, because that much was utterly and completely true. But he knew Chin would keep after him and he could see everything coming crashing down; by morning the entire team would know and he'd be raked over the proverbial coals, wrung out and hung to dry and they'd be in every corner of his life, digging around and finding all the fault -- dragging out every failure he had that had pushed him into this.
He wanted to beg Chin not to ask, not to go any further. Beg him to lie to Steve, convince him to let it go. He was surprised, to put it mildly, when Chin said carefully, "You know...no one would have a problem with it."
Danny blinked, staring at Dickerson's backyard and what looked like fish fillets being laid out on the grill. He was not encouraged to discover he could even identify it as a parrotfish. He'd even had uhu for breakfast two days ago. Danny wrenched his thoughts away from the fish and the steak he was still salivating for, and back to Chin and the conversation he wanted to be having even less than he wanted to eat fish. Chin had sounded so earnest, and Danny risked a glance back at him and found Chin watching him, sympathy written clearly all over his face.
"What are you--" Danny began, then he jerked his head back to keeping watch, not because he was afraid Dickerson would make a run for it but because he could hear himself spilling everything to Chin if he kept talking.
"You and Steve. No one on the team would have a problem with it. And...you know that there's no fraternization rules that apply, here. McGarrett's technically Navy Reserves and as long as they don't overturn the repeal, there's nothing anyone can do."
Danny felt stunned. Utterly, completely stunned, and as his brain slowly churned back on he realized that a great deal of the shock was relief. Chin had guessed at the problem and got it -- not completely wrong, because yes, being in love with Steve was a part of it, a huge part of it, and no, Danny had no intentions of doing anything about it. Not with his situation the way it was, and after... well, he figured if he still felt the same and Steve hadn't gotten them all killed, then maybe, someday, he'd do something about it. Later.
He was being handed an excuse on a silver platter, and Danny felt only the barest hint of shame when he grabbed it with both hands. "Did Steve say--" He stopped, knowing how he sounded, wanting to know what Steve said without actually asking Steve, like they were in grade school again whispering at lockers and passing notes in class.
"He's concerned. He cares about you, Danny. We all do," Chin said, gently.
"I didn't mean... I just...." Danny sighed, then took a deep breath. Whatever he said, he couldn't give Chin or Steve any reason to think that he just had cold feet and that Steve should take it as the go-ahead to steamroll Danny into something he wasn't ready for. So whatever he said, it would have to convince them both that he just needed time.
That was the truth, even if he needed it for something else entirely.
"You do like him, right?" Chin asked. There was a vague note of amusement in his voice.
Danny just nodded. In a perfect world, yeah, he'd have moved in on Steve months ago, taken him up on all those not-so-subtle offers and they'd have been going at it like wild monkeys this entire time. Short breaks for naps and rehydration, and Danny still wanted to know whether sleeping with Steve would make it easier to yell at him to memorize the Miranda Rights already or if Steve would just ignore him all the harder.
Chin was waiting, and Danny didn't have to look back at him to know he was prepared to wait patiently all night. Danny just watched Dickerson for a few moments, trying to wrestle his thoughts into some kind of order and figure out what he could say that would sound convincing.
When it hit him, he waited a moment more, trying to ignore the way his heart started pounding faster. Finally he asked, "What if it doesn't work out? There's just the four of us at 5-0. If we came to work one day screaming and hating each other...." Danny fought for the words to explain, because the fear was real, even if he'd only just figured it out. If he and Steve hooked up, then broke up, one of them would have to leave.
"What if it does work out?" Chin asked, reasonably.
Danny looked back at him, flat and steady. "I was married for ten years to a woman I loved more than anything. We were happy, we had a kid and a future, then one day I came home and we didn't, anymore. So, yeah, it might not work out with Steve."
Saying it made him think, what if it didn't work out? Even if he could get together with Steve, would it be a good idea? He'd loved Rachel, he'd had every reason to think it was working out -- and even now he could feel the love he'd had for her, knew that some of it would never completely go away. But mostly he felt anger, and frustration, and exhaustion and the thought of feeling all those things about Steve made him shy away from ever wanting to say yes.
Danny turned back to the house and all he could say was, "I can't...I'm not ready to find out."
He wasn't sure if Chin understood what he was saying, or what he was hoping Chin would think he was saying. But after a moment Chin just patted him on the shoulder, then went over to the table and sat down. Danny glanced back and saw him holding his phone again, and Danny bit his tongue against asking if he was texting the results to Steve.
He'd hoped, insanely, that convincing Chin would make him feel better, give him the space he needed to try to get his life back in order. But he felt worse, instead, even though he'd gotten what he wanted. Chin wouldn't bother him, and hopefully he'd pass word to Steve that Danny just wasn't ready to take the big plunge. Maybe they'd give him time and everyone would leave him alone until all of this could be swept away in the undertow, buried under the waves forever and forgotten.
~~~
Danny and Chin had all of Thursday off, the morning of which Danny spent trying to catch a nap. He spent the afternoon down at the shoreline building sandcastles with Maddie. At age four, Maddie was already an expert sandcastle builder. She'd lived at the camp for a year while her mom tried to find and keep a second job long enough to save up for rent. It made Danny miss his own four year old, and made him think long and hard about what he was going to do about her that upcoming weekend.
The next day when Danny got to 5-0 headquarters, Steve greeted him with a smile. Danny felt his breath catch, but he forced himself to walk in and say good morning. It was obvious Chin had talked to Steve, and while Danny had hoped it would win him some space he knew that what he was about to ask would definitely risk sending a mixed message.
Steve was sitting at his desk, but Danny would have bet good money that there was nothing on his desk that was relevant to a current, open case. But hell, it was Friday, and if they spent the day goofing off in the office pretending to get paperwork done, then Danny wouldn't protest. His head was throbbing with a dull ache which he hoped would go away as soon as he hit the coffee pot and the lure of chasing bad guys over rooftops or speeding around on boats shooting at drug dealers didn't really appeal.
He rapped a knuckle on the open door of Steve's office, despite the fact Steve had been watching him since the moment he'd walked in. Steve rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling, relaxed and happy and, yeah, he and Chin had definitely talked. Danny stopped just inside the doorway, still not sure how to say what he'd been going over and over all night.
As he continued to just stand there, Steve frowned just a bit, then he was on his feet and walking around his desk, stopping just a couple of feet away from Danny. "Look, Danny, I get it, I won't.... It's okay. Take your time," he said quickly, and Danny got the eerie feeling he'd walked in halfway through the conversation.
But he got what Steve was saying, and he managed a grateful nod. Time was what he'd been hoping for, and it sounded like Steve was willing to give it to him. He didn't know if that would make this easier or harder. He sighed.
"Danny? What's wrong?" Steve was frowning in all earnestness now, and Danny could see the way his stance shifted ever so slightly, from open and welcome to defensive -- or offensive, as Steve had a tendency to attack first and get Danny to read rights, after.
"I know that Chin talked to you," Danny began, then waved a finger to shut Steve up and not interrupt. "So I don't want this to give you the wrong idea. Because.. I...." He thought about smacking himself once for good measure. Then he made himself just blurt it out. "I've got Grace this weekend and the couple next door, the ones I told you about? Yelling day and night and throwing shit, and while it's never been anything I would call the cops for, it's not..I don't want...." Danny hesitated, and he didn't know if he was making any sense or if he was about to ruin everything he'd managed to get away with on Wednesday.
But Steve was already asking, "You wanna bring her over to my place? I've got room."
Danny couldn't stop himself from smiling as relief washed over him. "Would it be all right? I don't want to impose or anything, and I'm not--" He wanted to say it wasn't about hooking up anyway. But Steve had room and neither Chin nor Kono did, so it only made sense to ask him.
As long as no one knew his real reasons. But Steve was grinning wide, and his entire face had lit up like Christmas had come early. "No, it's totally fine, Danny. It's okay; I mean, there's the..." He cleared his throat a little, and suddenly seemed nervous. "There's the three rooms, and you and Grace.... It's okay," he said again.
Danny couldn't help but grin at the goofy smile that had re-appeared on Steve's face. Somehow that made Steve's grin get even goofier, and he practically bounced as he headed back to his desk, leaning over it to type on the keyboard like he'd remembered they needed reservations or something.
"We can go to Ernie's if you want, for dinner -- are you picking her up after school?" Steve asked, but he didn't slow down long enough for Danny to answer. "I think the zoo's been closed for a couple weeks while they've been doing remodels or something, but I think I heard they were open now. We could go, if you want? You said Grace liked it." He looked up at Danny, hand still poised over the keyboard and Danny peeked over to see that Steve had called up the Honolulu Zoo website.
"Yeah, we can go. You're right, she loves it." Danny mentally counted the cash he had in his wallet. Grace could get in for only three dollars, but his own admission would be twelve. He could do it, certainly it was cheaper than trying to rent a hotel room again. Food he could probably swing as well, despite the fact concessions at the zoo were incredibly over-priced. She'd wheedle for a souvenir, he knew, and while he'd tried to budget generously for her weekends, money was still going to be tight for awhile.
But he nodded again, because Steve was practically beaming at him. He'd have to beg out of going to Ernie's, though. The steakhouse was incredibly expensive even if the steaks were worth committing murder for. The rolls, too, Danny told himself, remembering the one time he'd gone. Bread that melted in your mouth and he tried to shut his mind off or he'd start salivating on Steve's desk.
"I pick her up at three," he said, mostly to distract himself from thoughts of dinner. "We don't have to go anyplace special, though. Grace has enough of those fancy places with her mom and Step-Stan. She usually prefers mac and cheese at home like any kid."
The brightness in Steve's eyes had died a little, and Danny couldn't shake the feeling that they were setting up to go on a date, despite everything. But Steve nodded, firmly. "Right, well, we can head up to Uncle Bobo's Barbecue instead, if you think she'd like that better. I can run by the grocery store before--" He paused, clearly thinking over his schedule in his head.
Danny held up a hand. "We're not trying to eat all your food, McGarrett. I just need a place we can stay that doesn't have domestic violence next door." He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Steve's face fell, then his expression smoothed over into a careful neutrality that Danny hated seeing. He kept his voice carefully soft, letting Steve hear the apology in his tone as he said, "I just don't want you to be obligated." He let the double meaning dangle clearly in the air, unspoken, hoping Steve would understand what he didn't want to spell out.
"It's not an obligation, Danny," Steve insisted, but the blankness was gone, even if it was replaced by determination. Danny knew that by the end of the day they'd be eating at Uncle Bobo's and Steve would have three bags of groceries full of food intended for Grace, no matter what Danny might have to say about it.
He gave Steve a small smile. "At least let me give you a list, huh? Unless you've used your magic SEAL Super Powers to figure out what she likes to eat?"
Steve's grin returned full-force and he nodded, happily. The labrador retriever look was back and Danny felt a stab through his chest as all he wanted was to reach out and touch him, take something he knew he couldn't have.
Yet. He could do this; it would all work out, and when things were better Steve would maybe still be looking at him with that adoringly goofy smile.
Two hours later, however, Danny discovered he was in serious trouble. Steve popped into Danny's office with that same wide grin and asked, "Hey, what if we go to Dave and Buster's for dinner? And then I was thinking -- has Grace been on the Atlantis Adventure tour? Or we can take her to the Discovery Center or the Aquarium. Unless you've changed your mind about letting her into the ocean without having a conniption fit, in which case we can go snorkeling. I promise, it's extremely safe," he added quickly, as Danny tried to get a word in edgewise.
"I don't have conniption fits," Danny retorted. "I have never had a conniption fit. I merely have very firm ideas about what sort of dangers I will and will not put my daughter into, up to and including not wearing a bikini in public."
Steve blinked at him with a distinctly amused expression, then shrugged. "I know a few places we can go snorkeling where the tourists don't go. Chances are nobody but us will even be there." Steve grinned again, almost maniacally. "Perfectly safe."
With a look skyward, Danny asked, "Why is it that those words coming out of that mouth do not reassure me?" He gave Steve a look. "And I don't care about tourists, I care about boys. Any boys, local or not. Local would be worse, actually."
Steve frowned. "She's only nine."
"It's never too early to start threatening to shoot any boy who might think about talking to her."
Steve laughed, and Danny just scowled harder at him. He remembered his younger cousin had started putting up boy band posters on her walls when she was eleven, so he figured he had at least a couple more years before he had to seriously start worrying.
"So, snorkeling?" Steve asked. "Or the Discovery Center? Or you want to just ask Grace which she'd rather do?" He was sort of bouncing, and sort of fidgeting as he stood beside Danny's desk. It was, Danny thought very much to himself, really very cute. It was also just a little bit frightening.
"How much caffeine have you had?" he asked, suspiciously.
"Oh, that reminds me, if you wanna make up that grocery list, I'm gonna head out this afternoon. I, uh, need to do a little cleaning before you show up." Steve looked slightly sheepish, which didn't help Danny at all with trying not to think about how adorably goofy he was acting.
Danny held out a piece of paper. He'd been very careful making up the list, and now as he handed it over he said, "Do not get anything which is not on that list. McGarrett, I am warning you right now that if I see packages of cookies and ice cream and candy and soda and chips, I will take my daughter right around and we will go home." Which was a complete lie, of course, and he didn't mind that Steve probably knew that as well, even if he wouldn't know the real reason why Danny couldn't leave.
Steve just took the piece of paper and as he looked over the list, he asked, "How do you know I don't already have those things in my kitchen?"
"If you get her on a sugar high I am locking the two of you in the garage together until she crashes. If she throws up, you are cleaning it up. If, next year at the dentist's she has a cavity, I am going to choose to blame you and make you pay for it. Nothing that is not on that list." He pointed a finger at the paper, wondering if it would be a good idea to make Steve read it out to him, make sure he memorized it before allowing him out of his sight.
Steve was looking a little amused, again, and he glanced over the list. "One bag of chips?"
"No."
"Kool-aid?"
"No-- Okay, maybe. Not the orange kind. Anything red flavor."
Steve nodded, a completely faked-serious expression on his face as he repeated, "Red flavor. Got it."
"I'm serious about this, you realize that?" Danny asked, because he knew Steve was going to go a little nuts, and it was bad enough he was letting Steve buy the groceries while they were staying at his place. And he could just tell, from the innocent who-me look on Steve's face, that Steve was going to buy five kinds of sugar cereal and a dozen different kinds of candy and cookies. Danny sighed and stood up. "I'm going with you. At least then I have some hope of keeping you under control."
Steve's smile became decidedly smug. "Why would that start now?"
Danny resisted the urge to smack him, because deep down, he knew he was insanely grateful Steve was letting him bring Grace over for the weekend. There was no way he was going to say so, of course, and he didn't think Steve even needed him to. But he could at least refrain from inflicting bodily harm on the guy for awhile. An hour, tops.
It depended on how much junk food Steve tried to sneak into the cart.
~~~
The weekend turned out to possibly be two of the best days he'd had since arriving in Hawai'i. Steve had behaved himself somewhat at the grocery store, and Danny had reassured himself that even if Grace couldn't get through all the food Steve ended up buying, at least Steve would have groceries for the next two weeks.
Then Danny's boss graciously gave him the rest of the afternoon off, and Danny went with him to help Steve get his house to rights for guests. It hadn't been too bad, mostly dishes needing washing and floors needing to be vacuumed. There was one pair of underwear lying in the middle of Steve's bedroom floor, but Steve had grabbed it quickly and the way he'd been blushing bright red had just made Danny laugh at him.
On the drive to pick up Grace, they'd argued over where to eat dinner and what to do over the weekend. Steve had a list a mile long of places they could go and things they could do -- they'd need an entire month just to hit the high spots, Danny had pointed out.
"So, pick a few and we can do more next time. Unless your neighbors go into couples counseling." Steve had half-smiled, hopeful and obviously trying not to be, well, obvious.
Danny had just sighed, unable to think of how to turn him down. Steve's face had fallen then, just enough for Danny to see him start to close himself off. Danny had wanted nothing more than to kick himself, hard.
Steve had said he understood that this didn't mean anything, with the relationship that both of them wanted and they'd tacitly agreed not to pursue just yet. But Steve had clearly been overjoyed at the idea of spending the weekend with Danny and Grace, and Danny sincerely hated himself for making Steve doubt that Danny wanted to be there.
He'd rubbed a hand over his face and had finally said, "It's just expensive, is all."
Steve had blinked at him, made a sort of 'oh' noise and then he'd smiled and told Danny not to worry about a thing. That had led to an argument about there being no way in hell Danny was letting Steve pay for anything and Steve hadn't really said a word, just smiled and nodded like he was agreeing. Then all weekend long no matter where they went, Steve got his hand on the check first, or beat Danny to the admissions window, or was the one to ask Grace did she want this small souvenir or the really, really big stuffed dolphin instead?
Danny had tried to tell him to stop without saying it in so many words with Grace around to overhear. He'd tried once or twice to intervene and convince Grace she wanted the cheaper option, or just subtly try to steer her towards something else. But every time he made a move forward Steve gave him a Look, and Steve would take Grace by the hand and steer her right towards whatever she wanted most, and Steve kept pulling out his wallet every single time.
And despite the guilt, and the feeling of failure that built up on his shoulders with every thing Steve paid for and despite the weird, thoughtful looks he would sometimes catch Steve giving him that made him ever more paranoid -- Danny had had the best time that he'd had in a very long while. Grace had been ecstatic the entire weekend, bouncing right along with Steve's hand in hers, and one of Danny's in the other, dragging them from place to place with the sort of energy Danny could only vaguely remember having once upon a time. She'd been freakishly well-behaved as well, which Danny suspected was her being on her best behavior for Steve.
Or, he had to be fair, it could have just been that she liked him and had been having a great time. When Danny had taken her home Sunday evening and given her a hug and a kiss at the gate of Stan's mansion, he had to admit that maybe, just possibly maybe, Steve had been a tiny bit right about the while thing.
Then he'd driven away, leaving Grace with her mother for another two weeks and leaving Steve trying to clean up after the whirlwind that was a nine-year-old girl, and took himself north to the beach that served as home. He'd slept almost well that night, after two days of regular and fairly huge meals and a steady supply of Steve's coffee bolstering his system. The cot was still too narrow, the waves were still too loud, and the wind from the ocean made it just a little too cold to sleep completely through the night. But despite it all, he felt better than he had in a very long time.
on to part four
In the end he drove back to the camp and alternated tossing and turning on his cot with sitting outside and listening to Richard, and corralling some of the younger kids to give their parents a break. He didn't get much rest, but he stayed busy which kept his mind occupied which prevented him from walking off into the trees and screaming. When he drove back to Honolulu he tried to think about the case, and not about Steve.
Chin had a bag of sandwiches and a thermos of coffee when Danny picked him up. Chin didn't talk as Danny drove, and for the first ten minutes he told himself it was a nice change of pace from arguing with Steve about how normal people behaved and what constituted good music.
Then he remembered all the stakeouts he'd been on with George Franklin back in Jersey. Franklin never said a word if he could help it. Even when he was talking to witnesses or questioning suspects he somehow managed to say next to nothing. Being on stakeout with him was enough to make a person chew his arm off, just to have something to do. Danny had managed to survive, mostly by being good enough at Friday night poker games that he won his way out of it, gleefully cashing in IOUs for stakeouts whenever Franklin's name came up.
He didn't think Chin would be that bad, but he had no honest idea. He did glance over, maybe once or twice, to see if Chin seemed lost in thought or like he was about to say something. Each time Chin was just looking ahead, or working on his smartphone. Danny didn't know if it was the casefiles or something else, but it did remind him that he had Tetris on his phone in case of emergencies. Luckily he also had a charger for his phone in the car, so if midnight came around and it was four more hours of Tetris or start chewing, he could at least have a fighting chance at preserving his limbs.
A few minutes later Danny pulled into a spot behind a semi-deserted store front. They gathered their stuff and headed upstairs to the storage room that faced Andrew Dickerson's place. The two officers who'd been watching the place all day looked ecstatic to see their relief show up; Danny didn't want to think about what that meant for their own level of boredom come morning. There wasn't even a place to sack out; two chairs and a folding card table were the extent of the furnishings. One chair was set up at the window with the surveillance gear and the other was at the table where cards were spread out in a game of solitaire.
Danny had a feeling that by morning he was going to hate Tetris.
The two officers gave their quick rundown of the activity in the house, which amounted to 'nothing, he's been quiet all afternoon.' Then they left, and Danny sat down to take the first watch. He had a clear view of the backyard and Dickerson who was milling about and looking like he was getting ready to grill something. Danny's stomach threatened to rumble at the thought of a thick, juicy grilled steak. It was not completely lost on Danny that every meal he'd had for the last few weeks was either cold, or grilled over a open flame. But that was all fish, as the fishermen and women in the camp happily shared their bounty with him in exchange for all of Danny's babysitting. But he was frankly growing tired of fish and rice for practically every meal; unfortunately steak was out of his budget for the foreseeable future.
It was easy to imagine Dickerson grilling up a thick, juicy steak served with baked potatoes and a cold bottle of beer and Danny frantically tried to think about something else before he charged over there and arrested Dickerson just so he could confiscate his supper. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chin putting his phone away. Chin looked over, and Danny caught the expression on his face and all he could think was, Oh, shit.
Chin said, "Steve wants me to talk to you. Would you rather do it now and get it over with or do you want to put it off until later?"
Danny wanted to bang his forehead against the window sill. Of course that sneaky fucking SEAL bastard had gone behind his back and blindsided him. "I'll kill him," Danny said mildly, because really, he shouldn't be surprised.
There was a pause then, "Is that a 'now', or a 'later'?"
Danny gave a laugh of the sort he completely didn't feel. "Now, now's fine. Otherwise I'll start climbing the walls wondering when you're gonna ask. So, did he give you any parameters or did he just say 'torture Danny for me since I won't be there'?"
"He's worried about you. We all are," Chin said, and he sounded utterly serious. Sounded worried, Danny had to admit, and he risked a glance over, not convinced Chin wouldn't read everything in his eyes or tattooed on his forehead or something.
"Why would you be worried?" he tried, forcing a casual tone that didn't sound remotely sincere.
Chin just shrugged. "You tell me, brah. You've been...tense, lately. Quiet. That's not like you." There was a ghost of a smile that Danny found himself returning, despite himself. Then Chin looked serious again as he asked, "Is Rachel hassling you about Grace?"
"No, no -- Grace is wonderful and Rachel is actually being civilized for a change. Sort of. We don't actually exchange words, but the glares I feel through the airwaves seem much more mellow." Danny shifted back in his chair a little, keeping an eye on Dickerson as he talked. Definitely grilling something, though Danny couldn't make out what. From the size of the covered plate he wondered if someone else was coming over or if Dickerson just ate like a horse.
There was silence, then, and Danny knew Chin was just waiting for him. It wasn't like he needed leading questions to know what was bothering him, but there was no way in hell he intended to tell Chin any of it. He had his mouth open to say it was nothing, feed him some bullshit about stress and work and he'd promise to be his usual self from then on. All he could do was shake his head, though, because if he couldn't say it like he meant it, it would be worse than saying nothing at all.
Another moment went by before Chin said, "If it's none of my business, then that's cool. As long as you talk to Steve." The unspoken threat was no real threat: if Steve had put Chin up to this, then clearly he was making plans. If Danny didn't talk, then Steve would try something else until finally everything Danny needed to keep hidden came spilling out into the open.
Danny shook his head. "Steve--" Was an idiot, he wanted to say, even though in this case it wasn't specifically true. He only realized how he'd choked on Steve's name when there was a light touch on his shoulder.
"Steve's the problem?" Chin sounded calm, understanding, and Danny had to remind himself that Chin had years of experience at interviewing suspects and getting them to confess.
"I don't want talk about it," Danny said, because that much was utterly and completely true. But he knew Chin would keep after him and he could see everything coming crashing down; by morning the entire team would know and he'd be raked over the proverbial coals, wrung out and hung to dry and they'd be in every corner of his life, digging around and finding all the fault -- dragging out every failure he had that had pushed him into this.
He wanted to beg Chin not to ask, not to go any further. Beg him to lie to Steve, convince him to let it go. He was surprised, to put it mildly, when Chin said carefully, "You know...no one would have a problem with it."
Danny blinked, staring at Dickerson's backyard and what looked like fish fillets being laid out on the grill. He was not encouraged to discover he could even identify it as a parrotfish. He'd even had uhu for breakfast two days ago. Danny wrenched his thoughts away from the fish and the steak he was still salivating for, and back to Chin and the conversation he wanted to be having even less than he wanted to eat fish. Chin had sounded so earnest, and Danny risked a glance back at him and found Chin watching him, sympathy written clearly all over his face.
"What are you--" Danny began, then he jerked his head back to keeping watch, not because he was afraid Dickerson would make a run for it but because he could hear himself spilling everything to Chin if he kept talking.
"You and Steve. No one on the team would have a problem with it. And...you know that there's no fraternization rules that apply, here. McGarrett's technically Navy Reserves and as long as they don't overturn the repeal, there's nothing anyone can do."
Danny felt stunned. Utterly, completely stunned, and as his brain slowly churned back on he realized that a great deal of the shock was relief. Chin had guessed at the problem and got it -- not completely wrong, because yes, being in love with Steve was a part of it, a huge part of it, and no, Danny had no intentions of doing anything about it. Not with his situation the way it was, and after... well, he figured if he still felt the same and Steve hadn't gotten them all killed, then maybe, someday, he'd do something about it. Later.
He was being handed an excuse on a silver platter, and Danny felt only the barest hint of shame when he grabbed it with both hands. "Did Steve say--" He stopped, knowing how he sounded, wanting to know what Steve said without actually asking Steve, like they were in grade school again whispering at lockers and passing notes in class.
"He's concerned. He cares about you, Danny. We all do," Chin said, gently.
"I didn't mean... I just...." Danny sighed, then took a deep breath. Whatever he said, he couldn't give Chin or Steve any reason to think that he just had cold feet and that Steve should take it as the go-ahead to steamroll Danny into something he wasn't ready for. So whatever he said, it would have to convince them both that he just needed time.
That was the truth, even if he needed it for something else entirely.
"You do like him, right?" Chin asked. There was a vague note of amusement in his voice.
Danny just nodded. In a perfect world, yeah, he'd have moved in on Steve months ago, taken him up on all those not-so-subtle offers and they'd have been going at it like wild monkeys this entire time. Short breaks for naps and rehydration, and Danny still wanted to know whether sleeping with Steve would make it easier to yell at him to memorize the Miranda Rights already or if Steve would just ignore him all the harder.
Chin was waiting, and Danny didn't have to look back at him to know he was prepared to wait patiently all night. Danny just watched Dickerson for a few moments, trying to wrestle his thoughts into some kind of order and figure out what he could say that would sound convincing.
When it hit him, he waited a moment more, trying to ignore the way his heart started pounding faster. Finally he asked, "What if it doesn't work out? There's just the four of us at 5-0. If we came to work one day screaming and hating each other...." Danny fought for the words to explain, because the fear was real, even if he'd only just figured it out. If he and Steve hooked up, then broke up, one of them would have to leave.
"What if it does work out?" Chin asked, reasonably.
Danny looked back at him, flat and steady. "I was married for ten years to a woman I loved more than anything. We were happy, we had a kid and a future, then one day I came home and we didn't, anymore. So, yeah, it might not work out with Steve."
Saying it made him think, what if it didn't work out? Even if he could get together with Steve, would it be a good idea? He'd loved Rachel, he'd had every reason to think it was working out -- and even now he could feel the love he'd had for her, knew that some of it would never completely go away. But mostly he felt anger, and frustration, and exhaustion and the thought of feeling all those things about Steve made him shy away from ever wanting to say yes.
Danny turned back to the house and all he could say was, "I can't...I'm not ready to find out."
He wasn't sure if Chin understood what he was saying, or what he was hoping Chin would think he was saying. But after a moment Chin just patted him on the shoulder, then went over to the table and sat down. Danny glanced back and saw him holding his phone again, and Danny bit his tongue against asking if he was texting the results to Steve.
He'd hoped, insanely, that convincing Chin would make him feel better, give him the space he needed to try to get his life back in order. But he felt worse, instead, even though he'd gotten what he wanted. Chin wouldn't bother him, and hopefully he'd pass word to Steve that Danny just wasn't ready to take the big plunge. Maybe they'd give him time and everyone would leave him alone until all of this could be swept away in the undertow, buried under the waves forever and forgotten.
~~~
Danny and Chin had all of Thursday off, the morning of which Danny spent trying to catch a nap. He spent the afternoon down at the shoreline building sandcastles with Maddie. At age four, Maddie was already an expert sandcastle builder. She'd lived at the camp for a year while her mom tried to find and keep a second job long enough to save up for rent. It made Danny miss his own four year old, and made him think long and hard about what he was going to do about her that upcoming weekend.
The next day when Danny got to 5-0 headquarters, Steve greeted him with a smile. Danny felt his breath catch, but he forced himself to walk in and say good morning. It was obvious Chin had talked to Steve, and while Danny had hoped it would win him some space he knew that what he was about to ask would definitely risk sending a mixed message.
Steve was sitting at his desk, but Danny would have bet good money that there was nothing on his desk that was relevant to a current, open case. But hell, it was Friday, and if they spent the day goofing off in the office pretending to get paperwork done, then Danny wouldn't protest. His head was throbbing with a dull ache which he hoped would go away as soon as he hit the coffee pot and the lure of chasing bad guys over rooftops or speeding around on boats shooting at drug dealers didn't really appeal.
He rapped a knuckle on the open door of Steve's office, despite the fact Steve had been watching him since the moment he'd walked in. Steve rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling, relaxed and happy and, yeah, he and Chin had definitely talked. Danny stopped just inside the doorway, still not sure how to say what he'd been going over and over all night.
As he continued to just stand there, Steve frowned just a bit, then he was on his feet and walking around his desk, stopping just a couple of feet away from Danny. "Look, Danny, I get it, I won't.... It's okay. Take your time," he said quickly, and Danny got the eerie feeling he'd walked in halfway through the conversation.
But he got what Steve was saying, and he managed a grateful nod. Time was what he'd been hoping for, and it sounded like Steve was willing to give it to him. He didn't know if that would make this easier or harder. He sighed.
"Danny? What's wrong?" Steve was frowning in all earnestness now, and Danny could see the way his stance shifted ever so slightly, from open and welcome to defensive -- or offensive, as Steve had a tendency to attack first and get Danny to read rights, after.
"I know that Chin talked to you," Danny began, then waved a finger to shut Steve up and not interrupt. "So I don't want this to give you the wrong idea. Because.. I...." He thought about smacking himself once for good measure. Then he made himself just blurt it out. "I've got Grace this weekend and the couple next door, the ones I told you about? Yelling day and night and throwing shit, and while it's never been anything I would call the cops for, it's not..I don't want...." Danny hesitated, and he didn't know if he was making any sense or if he was about to ruin everything he'd managed to get away with on Wednesday.
But Steve was already asking, "You wanna bring her over to my place? I've got room."
Danny couldn't stop himself from smiling as relief washed over him. "Would it be all right? I don't want to impose or anything, and I'm not--" He wanted to say it wasn't about hooking up anyway. But Steve had room and neither Chin nor Kono did, so it only made sense to ask him.
As long as no one knew his real reasons. But Steve was grinning wide, and his entire face had lit up like Christmas had come early. "No, it's totally fine, Danny. It's okay; I mean, there's the..." He cleared his throat a little, and suddenly seemed nervous. "There's the three rooms, and you and Grace.... It's okay," he said again.
Danny couldn't help but grin at the goofy smile that had re-appeared on Steve's face. Somehow that made Steve's grin get even goofier, and he practically bounced as he headed back to his desk, leaning over it to type on the keyboard like he'd remembered they needed reservations or something.
"We can go to Ernie's if you want, for dinner -- are you picking her up after school?" Steve asked, but he didn't slow down long enough for Danny to answer. "I think the zoo's been closed for a couple weeks while they've been doing remodels or something, but I think I heard they were open now. We could go, if you want? You said Grace liked it." He looked up at Danny, hand still poised over the keyboard and Danny peeked over to see that Steve had called up the Honolulu Zoo website.
"Yeah, we can go. You're right, she loves it." Danny mentally counted the cash he had in his wallet. Grace could get in for only three dollars, but his own admission would be twelve. He could do it, certainly it was cheaper than trying to rent a hotel room again. Food he could probably swing as well, despite the fact concessions at the zoo were incredibly over-priced. She'd wheedle for a souvenir, he knew, and while he'd tried to budget generously for her weekends, money was still going to be tight for awhile.
But he nodded again, because Steve was practically beaming at him. He'd have to beg out of going to Ernie's, though. The steakhouse was incredibly expensive even if the steaks were worth committing murder for. The rolls, too, Danny told himself, remembering the one time he'd gone. Bread that melted in your mouth and he tried to shut his mind off or he'd start salivating on Steve's desk.
"I pick her up at three," he said, mostly to distract himself from thoughts of dinner. "We don't have to go anyplace special, though. Grace has enough of those fancy places with her mom and Step-Stan. She usually prefers mac and cheese at home like any kid."
The brightness in Steve's eyes had died a little, and Danny couldn't shake the feeling that they were setting up to go on a date, despite everything. But Steve nodded, firmly. "Right, well, we can head up to Uncle Bobo's Barbecue instead, if you think she'd like that better. I can run by the grocery store before--" He paused, clearly thinking over his schedule in his head.
Danny held up a hand. "We're not trying to eat all your food, McGarrett. I just need a place we can stay that doesn't have domestic violence next door." He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Steve's face fell, then his expression smoothed over into a careful neutrality that Danny hated seeing. He kept his voice carefully soft, letting Steve hear the apology in his tone as he said, "I just don't want you to be obligated." He let the double meaning dangle clearly in the air, unspoken, hoping Steve would understand what he didn't want to spell out.
"It's not an obligation, Danny," Steve insisted, but the blankness was gone, even if it was replaced by determination. Danny knew that by the end of the day they'd be eating at Uncle Bobo's and Steve would have three bags of groceries full of food intended for Grace, no matter what Danny might have to say about it.
He gave Steve a small smile. "At least let me give you a list, huh? Unless you've used your magic SEAL Super Powers to figure out what she likes to eat?"
Steve's grin returned full-force and he nodded, happily. The labrador retriever look was back and Danny felt a stab through his chest as all he wanted was to reach out and touch him, take something he knew he couldn't have.
Yet. He could do this; it would all work out, and when things were better Steve would maybe still be looking at him with that adoringly goofy smile.
Two hours later, however, Danny discovered he was in serious trouble. Steve popped into Danny's office with that same wide grin and asked, "Hey, what if we go to Dave and Buster's for dinner? And then I was thinking -- has Grace been on the Atlantis Adventure tour? Or we can take her to the Discovery Center or the Aquarium. Unless you've changed your mind about letting her into the ocean without having a conniption fit, in which case we can go snorkeling. I promise, it's extremely safe," he added quickly, as Danny tried to get a word in edgewise.
"I don't have conniption fits," Danny retorted. "I have never had a conniption fit. I merely have very firm ideas about what sort of dangers I will and will not put my daughter into, up to and including not wearing a bikini in public."
Steve blinked at him with a distinctly amused expression, then shrugged. "I know a few places we can go snorkeling where the tourists don't go. Chances are nobody but us will even be there." Steve grinned again, almost maniacally. "Perfectly safe."
With a look skyward, Danny asked, "Why is it that those words coming out of that mouth do not reassure me?" He gave Steve a look. "And I don't care about tourists, I care about boys. Any boys, local or not. Local would be worse, actually."
Steve frowned. "She's only nine."
"It's never too early to start threatening to shoot any boy who might think about talking to her."
Steve laughed, and Danny just scowled harder at him. He remembered his younger cousin had started putting up boy band posters on her walls when she was eleven, so he figured he had at least a couple more years before he had to seriously start worrying.
"So, snorkeling?" Steve asked. "Or the Discovery Center? Or you want to just ask Grace which she'd rather do?" He was sort of bouncing, and sort of fidgeting as he stood beside Danny's desk. It was, Danny thought very much to himself, really very cute. It was also just a little bit frightening.
"How much caffeine have you had?" he asked, suspiciously.
"Oh, that reminds me, if you wanna make up that grocery list, I'm gonna head out this afternoon. I, uh, need to do a little cleaning before you show up." Steve looked slightly sheepish, which didn't help Danny at all with trying not to think about how adorably goofy he was acting.
Danny held out a piece of paper. He'd been very careful making up the list, and now as he handed it over he said, "Do not get anything which is not on that list. McGarrett, I am warning you right now that if I see packages of cookies and ice cream and candy and soda and chips, I will take my daughter right around and we will go home." Which was a complete lie, of course, and he didn't mind that Steve probably knew that as well, even if he wouldn't know the real reason why Danny couldn't leave.
Steve just took the piece of paper and as he looked over the list, he asked, "How do you know I don't already have those things in my kitchen?"
"If you get her on a sugar high I am locking the two of you in the garage together until she crashes. If she throws up, you are cleaning it up. If, next year at the dentist's she has a cavity, I am going to choose to blame you and make you pay for it. Nothing that is not on that list." He pointed a finger at the paper, wondering if it would be a good idea to make Steve read it out to him, make sure he memorized it before allowing him out of his sight.
Steve was looking a little amused, again, and he glanced over the list. "One bag of chips?"
"No."
"Kool-aid?"
"No-- Okay, maybe. Not the orange kind. Anything red flavor."
Steve nodded, a completely faked-serious expression on his face as he repeated, "Red flavor. Got it."
"I'm serious about this, you realize that?" Danny asked, because he knew Steve was going to go a little nuts, and it was bad enough he was letting Steve buy the groceries while they were staying at his place. And he could just tell, from the innocent who-me look on Steve's face, that Steve was going to buy five kinds of sugar cereal and a dozen different kinds of candy and cookies. Danny sighed and stood up. "I'm going with you. At least then I have some hope of keeping you under control."
Steve's smile became decidedly smug. "Why would that start now?"
Danny resisted the urge to smack him, because deep down, he knew he was insanely grateful Steve was letting him bring Grace over for the weekend. There was no way he was going to say so, of course, and he didn't think Steve even needed him to. But he could at least refrain from inflicting bodily harm on the guy for awhile. An hour, tops.
It depended on how much junk food Steve tried to sneak into the cart.
~~~
The weekend turned out to possibly be two of the best days he'd had since arriving in Hawai'i. Steve had behaved himself somewhat at the grocery store, and Danny had reassured himself that even if Grace couldn't get through all the food Steve ended up buying, at least Steve would have groceries for the next two weeks.
Then Danny's boss graciously gave him the rest of the afternoon off, and Danny went with him to help Steve get his house to rights for guests. It hadn't been too bad, mostly dishes needing washing and floors needing to be vacuumed. There was one pair of underwear lying in the middle of Steve's bedroom floor, but Steve had grabbed it quickly and the way he'd been blushing bright red had just made Danny laugh at him.
On the drive to pick up Grace, they'd argued over where to eat dinner and what to do over the weekend. Steve had a list a mile long of places they could go and things they could do -- they'd need an entire month just to hit the high spots, Danny had pointed out.
"So, pick a few and we can do more next time. Unless your neighbors go into couples counseling." Steve had half-smiled, hopeful and obviously trying not to be, well, obvious.
Danny had just sighed, unable to think of how to turn him down. Steve's face had fallen then, just enough for Danny to see him start to close himself off. Danny had wanted nothing more than to kick himself, hard.
Steve had said he understood that this didn't mean anything, with the relationship that both of them wanted and they'd tacitly agreed not to pursue just yet. But Steve had clearly been overjoyed at the idea of spending the weekend with Danny and Grace, and Danny sincerely hated himself for making Steve doubt that Danny wanted to be there.
He'd rubbed a hand over his face and had finally said, "It's just expensive, is all."
Steve had blinked at him, made a sort of 'oh' noise and then he'd smiled and told Danny not to worry about a thing. That had led to an argument about there being no way in hell Danny was letting Steve pay for anything and Steve hadn't really said a word, just smiled and nodded like he was agreeing. Then all weekend long no matter where they went, Steve got his hand on the check first, or beat Danny to the admissions window, or was the one to ask Grace did she want this small souvenir or the really, really big stuffed dolphin instead?
Danny had tried to tell him to stop without saying it in so many words with Grace around to overhear. He'd tried once or twice to intervene and convince Grace she wanted the cheaper option, or just subtly try to steer her towards something else. But every time he made a move forward Steve gave him a Look, and Steve would take Grace by the hand and steer her right towards whatever she wanted most, and Steve kept pulling out his wallet every single time.
And despite the guilt, and the feeling of failure that built up on his shoulders with every thing Steve paid for and despite the weird, thoughtful looks he would sometimes catch Steve giving him that made him ever more paranoid -- Danny had had the best time that he'd had in a very long while. Grace had been ecstatic the entire weekend, bouncing right along with Steve's hand in hers, and one of Danny's in the other, dragging them from place to place with the sort of energy Danny could only vaguely remember having once upon a time. She'd been freakishly well-behaved as well, which Danny suspected was her being on her best behavior for Steve.
Or, he had to be fair, it could have just been that she liked him and had been having a great time. When Danny had taken her home Sunday evening and given her a hug and a kiss at the gate of Stan's mansion, he had to admit that maybe, just possibly maybe, Steve had been a tiny bit right about the while thing.
Then he'd driven away, leaving Grace with her mother for another two weeks and leaving Steve trying to clean up after the whirlwind that was a nine-year-old girl, and took himself north to the beach that served as home. He'd slept almost well that night, after two days of regular and fairly huge meals and a steady supply of Steve's coffee bolstering his system. The cot was still too narrow, the waves were still too loud, and the wind from the ocean made it just a little too cold to sleep completely through the night. But despite it all, he felt better than he had in a very long time.
on to part four