Third Fodder
Jan. 12th, 2002 09:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gilascavela la la
Aragorn -- and he could say that, now, even in his own head -- was so glad to be in Rivendell. They'd been here for weeks, or days, or months, depending on who you asked and he'd got to spend every single night with Arwen. Wheeee! No more hobbit orgies right next door, but a real, live girl who had sex with him.
The hobbit orgies were all the way on the other side of the building. Aragorn didn't ask about them, didn't want to know, and pretended he didn't see the way even Bilbo skipped down to breakfast. Elrond had muttered how unusual that was, but Aragorn didn't offer an explanation.
He was currently on his way to the secret council meeting Elrond had called. Everyone was in town, now, and it was time to talk about what they were going to do. He reached the patio set aside for their use, and wondered how a secret meeting could be held out of doors where just anyone could wander by. He didn't ask, because Elrond was already miffed at him about something. Aragorn didn't want to know -- he just wanted to get the Ring dealt with, so everyone could go home and he could keep having sex with Arwen without thinking of four small, hairy, naked bodies doing things he didn't want to think about.
When he reached the patio, he found everyone else already there -- including Frodo's three hobbit friends.
"I thought this was a secret meeting?" he asked Elrond.
"It is," the elf replied, sending a sideways glance at the hobbits.
"Relax! We didn't tell anyone," Pippin said, cheerfully. "We know how to keep secrets. Why, I, myself, have never told anyone about Merry's mother wearing only her pink hat, when she cleans the house."
Merry thumped him, and Sam asked, "The pink one with the feather?" Pippin nodded, and Aragorn went back to studiously ignoring the hobbits.
Elrond did the same, beginning the meeting as though the hobbits weren't there. He explained the danger facing them, and the dire need for them to decide something quickly, before he who must not be named, could find the ring.
"Then why've we been hanging around here for so many weeks?" Merry whispered.
"Shh!" One of the elves seated nearby glared at the hobbits.
"What are we going to do, then?" Aragorn asked.
"The ring cannot stay here, Aragorn. It must be destroyed." Elrond gave him a steely-eyed look, and Aragorn wondered if maybe Elrond didn't *want* Aragorn making time with his daughter.
"Fine! Lemme at it!" Gimli, the dwarf, grabbed the ax from the dwarf sitting next to him instead of his own ax, for some reason, but which turned out to be a fortuitous reason because as soon as he hit the ring, the ax shattered. The dwarf whose ax had just been destroyed growled at Gimli. "Er, all right, what was that?" Gimli asked.
Elrond sighed. "It won't work. Believe me, if it were that simple, we'd have done it half an hour ago while Frodo was in the bath. No, it can only be destroyed by the hottest fire, in the same pits where it was created: the Crack of Doom."
The four hobbits snickered. Elrond looked at them, astonished.
"We call Fatty, that," Merry explained. "When anyone tries to give him a good fucking -- they slide right off, because his buttocks are so fat. No hobbit has ever managed--" He stopped, and everyone looked at Gandalf, whose hand was over the hobbit's mouth, gratefully.
"So, we've got to take this thing to The-- er, Mount Doom, then?" Gimli asked.
Elrond nodded. "Someone must take it. Someone we can trust. Not dwarves."
The meeting exploded into a torrent of 'well, they can't either's and 'not a chance, bug-face's. After a moment, Aragorn heard, "Er, I've got a question." It was Frodo. He said it again, louder, and finally everyone started to quiet down, and looked at him.
"Crack of Doom, right? Hot fire, hot enough to melt down magical, evil ring?"
There were nods, all around.
"Can't we take it someplace else?"
Everyone stared at Frodo. Aragorn saw several expressions of confusion, some of astonishment. Legolas was digging into a satchel.
Frodo looked around at everyone. "I mean.. instead of going to one that's surrounded by orcs, and Saruman, and evil eyes?" The other three hobbits raised their fists and made three identical, strange gestures, sticking their thumbs up between two fingers. "Surely there's another volcano in the area?" Frodo continued. "They don't tend to appear by themselves."
"Yeah, volcanos form over faults, which are long lines," Merry added.
"Got it!" Legolas exclaimed. He was holding up a map. "There's one, here." He came forward and spread the map on the dais. Pointing, Legolas said, "I'm pretty sure it's still active, too. It was last time we tried going down for vacation. Nice place, little island right off the coast. Warm, sunny, nice beaches. Natives are friendly, if a bit under-dressed." He waggled his eyebrows and the elves behind him made 'bwaha' noises.
"Great! Can we go, then?" Frodo looked up at Elrond.
Elrond stared down at the hobbit, silently. Then he looked up at Gandalf, then Aragorn, then Legolas, and Gimli, and one of the other humans. "Yes. Fine, go. All of you, I don't care. Just destroy the blasted thing."
"All right!" Legolas pumped a fist into the air. "I've gotta go pack. Hey, Gandalf, can you shrink a surfboard?"
Aragorn watched Elrond lowered his head into his hands. He snickered. At least it wasn't *him* this time.
Aragorn -- and he could say that, now, even in his own head -- was so glad to be in Rivendell. They'd been here for weeks, or days, or months, depending on who you asked and he'd got to spend every single night with Arwen. Wheeee! No more hobbit orgies right next door, but a real, live girl who had sex with him.
The hobbit orgies were all the way on the other side of the building. Aragorn didn't ask about them, didn't want to know, and pretended he didn't see the way even Bilbo skipped down to breakfast. Elrond had muttered how unusual that was, but Aragorn didn't offer an explanation.
He was currently on his way to the secret council meeting Elrond had called. Everyone was in town, now, and it was time to talk about what they were going to do. He reached the patio set aside for their use, and wondered how a secret meeting could be held out of doors where just anyone could wander by. He didn't ask, because Elrond was already miffed at him about something. Aragorn didn't want to know -- he just wanted to get the Ring dealt with, so everyone could go home and he could keep having sex with Arwen without thinking of four small, hairy, naked bodies doing things he didn't want to think about.
When he reached the patio, he found everyone else already there -- including Frodo's three hobbit friends.
"I thought this was a secret meeting?" he asked Elrond.
"It is," the elf replied, sending a sideways glance at the hobbits.
"Relax! We didn't tell anyone," Pippin said, cheerfully. "We know how to keep secrets. Why, I, myself, have never told anyone about Merry's mother wearing only her pink hat, when she cleans the house."
Merry thumped him, and Sam asked, "The pink one with the feather?" Pippin nodded, and Aragorn went back to studiously ignoring the hobbits.
Elrond did the same, beginning the meeting as though the hobbits weren't there. He explained the danger facing them, and the dire need for them to decide something quickly, before he who must not be named, could find the ring.
"Then why've we been hanging around here for so many weeks?" Merry whispered.
"Shh!" One of the elves seated nearby glared at the hobbits.
"What are we going to do, then?" Aragorn asked.
"The ring cannot stay here, Aragorn. It must be destroyed." Elrond gave him a steely-eyed look, and Aragorn wondered if maybe Elrond didn't *want* Aragorn making time with his daughter.
"Fine! Lemme at it!" Gimli, the dwarf, grabbed the ax from the dwarf sitting next to him instead of his own ax, for some reason, but which turned out to be a fortuitous reason because as soon as he hit the ring, the ax shattered. The dwarf whose ax had just been destroyed growled at Gimli. "Er, all right, what was that?" Gimli asked.
Elrond sighed. "It won't work. Believe me, if it were that simple, we'd have done it half an hour ago while Frodo was in the bath. No, it can only be destroyed by the hottest fire, in the same pits where it was created: the Crack of Doom."
The four hobbits snickered. Elrond looked at them, astonished.
"We call Fatty, that," Merry explained. "When anyone tries to give him a good fucking -- they slide right off, because his buttocks are so fat. No hobbit has ever managed--" He stopped, and everyone looked at Gandalf, whose hand was over the hobbit's mouth, gratefully.
"So, we've got to take this thing to The-- er, Mount Doom, then?" Gimli asked.
Elrond nodded. "Someone must take it. Someone we can trust. Not dwarves."
The meeting exploded into a torrent of 'well, they can't either's and 'not a chance, bug-face's. After a moment, Aragorn heard, "Er, I've got a question." It was Frodo. He said it again, louder, and finally everyone started to quiet down, and looked at him.
"Crack of Doom, right? Hot fire, hot enough to melt down magical, evil ring?"
There were nods, all around.
"Can't we take it someplace else?"
Everyone stared at Frodo. Aragorn saw several expressions of confusion, some of astonishment. Legolas was digging into a satchel.
Frodo looked around at everyone. "I mean.. instead of going to one that's surrounded by orcs, and Saruman, and evil eyes?" The other three hobbits raised their fists and made three identical, strange gestures, sticking their thumbs up between two fingers. "Surely there's another volcano in the area?" Frodo continued. "They don't tend to appear by themselves."
"Yeah, volcanos form over faults, which are long lines," Merry added.
"Got it!" Legolas exclaimed. He was holding up a map. "There's one, here." He came forward and spread the map on the dais. Pointing, Legolas said, "I'm pretty sure it's still active, too. It was last time we tried going down for vacation. Nice place, little island right off the coast. Warm, sunny, nice beaches. Natives are friendly, if a bit under-dressed." He waggled his eyebrows and the elves behind him made 'bwaha' noises.
"Great! Can we go, then?" Frodo looked up at Elrond.
Elrond stared down at the hobbit, silently. Then he looked up at Gandalf, then Aragorn, then Legolas, and Gimli, and one of the other humans. "Yes. Fine, go. All of you, I don't care. Just destroy the blasted thing."
"All right!" Legolas pumped a fist into the air. "I've gotta go pack. Hey, Gandalf, can you shrink a surfboard?"
Aragorn watched Elrond lowered his head into his hands. He snickered. At least it wasn't *him* this time.